Carol B's Design Studio

Greetings From Sunny Southern California!

2012-01-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of my "vacation."

I am a substitute teacher and today is the last "free" day I have to do whatever I want before I go back to work on Monday.

Everyone says, "wow, lucky you, you have three weeks off!" which yes, is nice, only I don't get paid for that time off so my next paycheck will be yikes ultra small.

The fun part, though, is that yes, we were able to do some nice things during that time.

How come I never remember to take pictures?

Everyone else takes pictures of everywhere they go, including places I would not think of taking pictures of, and then they make great photos and great posts.

Oh well. I am hoping one day I will learn.

For now, the only time I can get pics is if my hubby takes them, which he loves to do.

During our time off, of which my hubby also had a week off, we took my dad to the corporate headquarters of "In-N-Out."

I think In-N-Out is mostly only in California and that they are beginning to branch out a bit going east, so if you are not from here, particularly Southern California, you might not have heard of In-N-Out, but over here, they are super famous for great burgers. And at this particular store in Baldwin Park, they have company offices located several yards away from the restaurant, as well as a store that sells merchandise with their great artwork.

My dad loves In-N-Out, so we thought it would be fun to make a little outing of it to take him to go eat and then look at the company store.

Yes, I know.

Other teachers are spending their vacations going to Hawaii, Europe, or on a cruise.

Me, I go out to eat a burger and look at stores.

Anyway, the above photo is a pic of me and my dad, and if I do say so myself, I can't believe how beautiful my hair looks!

I know how that sounds, only you don't know how much trouble my hair always gives me, so yes, I am going to get thrilled and comment on how beautiful my hair looks. ;D

My hubby was taking pictures all over the place, but I really liked how this sign came out:

It includes one of my favorite images, which is of L.A.'s famous palm trees.

I don't know why I love them so much. Maybe because they are such an iconic symbol of beautiful, sunny, Southern California, and all the dreams they hold.

So I also included a photo of the real thing:

That's so I can show my cousin, who just moved back to the east coast, all she is missing.

She said that today the weather was going to move from freezing all the way up to 43 degrees.

Over here we have been enjoying sunny weather in the upper 80's, although today it moved down to a chilly 75 degrees.

HA HA!

Just had to rub it in, Cuz!

Hope you all had a great holiday time and that your New Year is already off to a good start!

'Til later,

Carol B.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T09:19:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all.

And to those who are missing someone this day,

may they still be in all your hopes and dreams.

Love,

Carol B.

Pomona Art Colony

2011-12-15T13:16:00.000-08:00

Ok, so is this a beautiful painting or what?

It is just a small part of a mural that is painted on a building located in the Pomona Art Colony. A friend of mine was showing a couple of her paintings in the Pomona Valley Art Association so my hubby and I went down there to see them. Wish I could show them to you but not allowed to take photos.

My husband took a lot of other photos of this area and this mural was one of them. It's so large he couldn't take a photo of the whole thing without having to go so far back that you wouldn't really be able to see the details, so he photographed parts of it.

This was my favorite figure in the mural. Here is a close up:

Still not anywhere as magnificent as if you saw it in person.

Wish I could list the artist but couldn't find the name.

Whoever you are, you are fantastic!

If you're ever in the area, go check it out. There's lots of galleries and cool campy boutiques.

Now that we're inspired, let's go back and paint!

'Til later,

Carol B.

Sunny and Grateful

2011-12-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

"3 For You And Me"

Mixed Media on cardboard

8 1/2 x 11

It's freezing here in L.A.!

Ok. So it's 64 degrees.

I know that is sissy weather for many of you who are in areas that are honest to goodness freezing. But for us here in Los Angeles it is freezing!

Yes, when it comes to weather, we are sissies.

But looking at this painting with its brilliant warm colors makes me feel nice and toasty!

(Colors more brilliant in person).

(Honest).

I am sitting here in my room with the curtains open wide and I am bundled in my socks and sweats to keep warm, but even though it's cold, the sun is shining in so bright! It's clear and beautiful outside, so yes, I am grateful.

Hope everything is good for you.

And yes, cousin Karen, when you are spending your Christmas truly freezing in the Northeast, I will be thinking of you here in Sunny L.A!

HA HA!

Love,

Carol B.

Painting Free

2011-11-23T13:22:00.000-08:00

"Through Any Window"

Mixed Media on paper

18x24

I have been having a great time with this new style of painting.

New to me, that is.

No boundaries.

No limits.

What I am working on in life, as well as in my painting.

I started out with this background:

Actually went through several transformations.

It is teaching me not to be afraid of making a mistake.

Instead of hesitating, afraid to make one "wrong" brush mark, backing away in fear and putting the work aside, I now go for it, painting what I feel, and if it doesn't work, painting over it and working it again.

Now to do that in life!

I added my person:

Her closeup:

The painting is too big to scan so the colors are not exact, but you get the idea.

Painting Free!

Peace.

Carol B.

A Letter To My Mom

2011-11-22T05:36:00.000-08:00

It is over two and a half months since my mother died.

But I am having a hard time because my feelings are stuck and I can't get that it's real.

So I live in this land where I wander around like maybe there's something wrong but I don't know what.

Yesterday was not a very good day.

So this morning I wrote a letter to my mom, hoping it will help.

I am posting it here.

It is very early in the morning, when it is still dark outside and when things seem ok that might not seem ok later on when it gets light.

But I'm going to put it here anyway, hoping that if I send it out in cyberspace it might make it seem more real than when I sit here with my feelings, all by myself in the dark.

Forgive me if it seems too personal or if what I am saying sounds weird.

I am just trying to get myself to understand.

Mom,

Why did you die?

I don't know what to think.

I couldn't stand seeing you die.

I couldn't stand seeing you suffer.

I know you aren't suffering anymore, but I still see when you were suffering and there was nothing I could do.

At the same time things are bugging me because I can't see that you really died.

I can't see it as having happened at all.

I keep thinking you are just off visiting Aunt Alice and that you haven't come back yet and now it's getting later and later and where are you?

How come you haven't come back?

Dad is lonely and needs you.

But you aren't coming back, are you?

You really honestly died and are buried in the ground and you are not coming back.

And yet, even as I write this I just can't see it as being true, which is why this is such a bug for me because I am stuck in this feeling that you are off visiting your sister and when are you coming back?

But you are not coming back, are you?

Are you really in heaven?

Are you really with God?

Are you really with Jesus?

Is it all really real?

Are you happy being there?

I think I miss you.

My pants aren't hemmed.

I need them for work and my pants aren't hemmed because you aren't here.

You aren't going to be here for Thanksgiving, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Joe's birthday, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Janine's birthday, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Christmas, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Dionna's birthday, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Dad's birthday, are you?

And you aren't going to be here for Mother's Day, are you?

What am I going to do then, if I don't have a mother?

You aren't going to be here for Eric's birthday, are you?

You aren't going to be here when Eric and Janine finally get married and have your great-grandbabies, are you?

And you aren't going to be here for my birthday, are you?

Ever again.

Year after year, you won't be here, ever again.

I miss you.

Love,

Carol

Love, Always

2011-11-17T17:22:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Steven.

May your creative light shine on me always!

Love,

Carol B.

Heart's Intent

2011-11-16T14:02:00.000-08:00

"Heart's Intent"

Acrylic on paper

18x24

My cousin wrote to me about a big change she is going through.

Right when she thought things were headed in the direction she had hoped and planned for, things changed.

Not for the better.

At least, not the way it looks on the outside.

But she said that because there is nothing she can do, she will wait and have faith that it will all work out.

Deeper than that.

As in, really seeking God and waiting for His direction.

I was very torn.

My long spiritual journey has been a roller coaster.

There have been times when things were great.

Not just circumstances. But also the times when things were not so great, and yet I had faith and saw wonderful miracles happen.

And then there have been times when I get sick of waiting, like a beggar waiting for crumbs that never come.

Then I am furious and say "the hell with this!" Why am I trying to be a nice little girl, tap dancing away, hoping I'll finally be good enough for someone to give their approval, when everyone else does whatever they want to do and seemingly get everything they want?

Then I thrash and rage until everything falls apart.

And I have to pick myself up, battered and bruised, take a deep breath, and attempt the road of peace all over again.

Ever since my mother passed, I have been angry and confused and defiant, intending to do things my way.

But I am not at peace.

When my cousin wrote me those words I was torn, wanting to shake her and tell her "Right when you were getting closer to your dreams, you're going to just let them slip away? Why don't you fight? Enough is enough!"

But I know she is right.

She is not letting her dreams slip away.

She is allowing herself to be guided toward the dreams she was meant for along an even better path than she could have ever imagined.

It doesn't look like it right now.

But I can bet, because of her faithfulness, that it is true.

When it is time for me to move in a new direction, little signs start popping up everywhere in perfect harmony.

Those signs have been coming again.

Those signs to brush off the rage and anger, take a deep breath, and start on that path of peace once again.

Thank you, K, for your faithfulness.

Wishing you Peace.

Carol B.

Missing You

2011-11-15T17:53:00.000-08:00

"Missing You"

Acrylic on paper

18x24

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. I was finally doing pretty good and now it has been forever.

Not that I wasn't painting. In fact, I was so busy on a particular painting that I was consumed and so did not post.

The above painting is not the one I had been working on. This is another painting.

When I was looking for a painting to post, I found this one in my computer's photo library. The funny thing is that I had forgotten I had painted this and found that I really liked it, and yet it actually no longer exists because I painted over it. I did not care for it at the time, and now I am bummed that I painted over it.

But that's ok.

We start again.

But anyway, all these days that I was not posting I was working on this particular painting and was so consumed that I did not take photos because I kept changing it and changing it and was never satisfied so kept changing it again. It's a good thing I didn't bother to take photos because I changed it so many times all the photos would take forever to post. It was starting to turn into a design I liked and then it nose dived again.

So I have put it aside for now.

That's ok. I'll try it again some other time.

Meanwhile, I have really missed being here.

I often tell myself, "what do you have to post today? Maybe the work I have or my words are not enough so you shouldn't bother."

But I get very anxious and I realize, dammit, I just want to be here, and that's good enough.

Commitment.

I am trying to remember that word.

I thought I was such a committed person in every area of my life and I have been shocked at the revelations that have been revealing themselves to me.

Hmmm.

I like the thought of writing about that here. It could make me more accountable on my walk along that road.

Wow.

See what happens when you just show up?

Gifts are waiting for you.

Carol B.

Under the Stars

2011-11-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

"Under the Stars"

Mixed Media on paper

18x24

I have been learning the method "if you don't like it, paint over it and paint again."

It is so liberating.

I had a fun time swishing a bunch of colors on my surface. Then I looked at it and thought, "oh man, what a mess. I'll never be able to do anything with this."

I walked away, wondering where I had gone wrong.

When I came back I thought I saw an image. I took an oil pastel and painted the image on the surface.

Now, I started off by not listening to my own advice that I said in my last post of taking a photo of every step. So first look at this photo and picture it without the outline (my first step) and then look at it again for my second step with the outlined image:

I painted around the image:

Then added a few details:

Is that cool, or what?!

It was a lot of fun outlining an image and then painting around it to get this fantastic "pattern" for the image.

What was more remarkable was that a painting that started off so terribly that I almost ditched it turned out to be a painting that I really love.

It taught me that when you begin to doubt yourself, shut off the thoughts and jump in.

Hang on tight and just go for it!

Go do your thing this weekend!

Carol B.

Playing With Color

2011-11-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

"In Defiance"

Acrylic on paper

18x24

I'm trying to remember to take photos of all the steps I do of a painting. I was starting to get the hang of it but sometimes I still forget. I know it comes from when, back in the day before digital cameras were around, if you took a picture of something then it had to be developed whether you liked it or not and you had to pay for the development of each photo, even if they came out terrible. So back in that day you were more careful of what you took photos of because you didn't want to have to pay for crap.

Of course, now you don't have to worry about that. You can take a photo of whatever you want, and if it doesn't come out, all you have to do is hit delete. Not problem, no cost. Wonderful marvel, only I haven't gotten the hang of that concept yet. I think, no, I don't want to take a picture of that background or that step because what if I don't end up posting that painting? Then I will be wasting, having taken that photo for nothing.

Well, duh, I keep forgetting we are not back in that day, but more technically advanced, although I do keep getting better all the time, but don't ask my daughter, "So, I heard your mom is getting more technically advanced," because she will just give you that look and make a funny snorting sound. Or more like a cat coughing up a fur ball.

Anyway, so I forgot to take a photo of my first step, where I wrote all over the paper with a pencil in handwriting like a big journal which was great fun. Then I painted over it for the background. Then I painted an outline of a face. Then I started painting the face and hair with off the wall colors and came up with this:

Then I decided to play with more colors and I got this:

Wanting to see how I can paint "normal" things without using "normal" colors.

Fun!

What a kick being Defiant!

(Yes, for me, that's defiant!) ;p

Power to the People!

Carol B.

Freedom

2011-11-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

"Blue For All The World To See"

Acrylic on Paper

18x24

I am seeking to break the limits of what my world has been,

in art as well as in life.

So please don't be too shocked at what you see.

Of course, I am supposed to be breaking free from people pleasing, so I am supposed to put this up and not really care what anyone thinks, but, of course, there is that part of me that does ;p

I want to not be afraid of what I paint, of what I paint over, and of what I paint again, so that I will not be stifled in painting what I long to paint.

So I am practicing being as crazy and wild as I can be. Then I will take these lessons to what I feel called to paint, without feeling afraid to go in the direction I truly see.

So first I painted this background, smearing and scribbling in the paint;

Then I painted an outline to a face;

Then I decided to paint the face a (gasp) Blue!

I painted in wild hair, but it turned out to be too full;

(I was probably thinking of my hair on a windy day) ;)

So I decided to cut it down;

And I ended up with "Blue For All The World To See."

I love this kind of painting because it is coming from deep down inside, expressing things that I know are going on inside of me, without my even realizing it.

It told me that my face shows a nice calmness, while inside there is a sadness (blue) that I don't see but maybe others do.

As unusual as the painting I have been doing might be, there is a great freedom rising from within me!

Wishing you Freedom,

Carol B.

A Life Worth Living

2011-10-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

I am sorry my last post was so brutal.

As you can see, domestic violence is a subject that really gets to me.

As I mentioned, there have been times, especially when there was a bad story on the news, when I wanted to speak about the subject but did not. And my thought was, what if there was someone reading my blog and they were in an abusive relationship or were about to enter an abusive relationship and they were troubled about it but confused and so they stayed and something bad happened to them that maybe would not have happened if I had only said something?

That thought haunts me.

And when I heard that story, I had to speak.

Maybe it would have been better if I had written it later, when I was more calm, but maybe by then I would have been so calm I would have said nothing, just like all the other times.

There is a saying;

Silence Breeds Domestic Violence.

That is so true.

You have to speak up.

I know how hard it is and I know how confusing it is because of a million different reasons.

I hope there is not anyone out there who is experiencing this, but if there is I am glad I wrote this because I am talking to you.

And to those who are putting up with unacceptable crap from your partner, I am also talking to you.

That is the thing about abuse.

They tell you you deserve it because of whatever and you really start to believe you deserve it because, after all, you did forget to do this or that or blah, blah, blah, a million other reasons.

But no one deserves abuse of any kind.

Definitely not violence of any kind, and no, you NEVER deserve it.

But also being humiliated and constantly criticized and put down.

There are a lot of us who would never consider that abuse

BUT IT IS.

To get a detailed description of what abuse is, find a book, google the info, talk to someone on a hotline, or even write to me.

But if you are in a relationship where you constantly feel put down and not good enough then NO, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT. THAT IS ABUSE AND YOU NEED TO GET OUT BECAUSE IT ALWAYS ESCALATES AND GETS WORSE.

ALWAYS.

And you do not want to die a long, slow death because of it.

Feel uncomfortable in your relationship?

Look it up and see if it is abuse.

Then GET OUT.

You deserve a better life than that.

Honest.

I know.

It all starts with Loving Yourself.

And despite the misguided information many of us have had growing up,

it is NOT a sin to love yourself and take care of yourself and PUT YOURSELF FIRST so that you are then whole enough to truly love others, and to know whether or not someone truly loves you.

So, Take Care.

I wish you Peace.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Awareness

2011-10-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

It is ironic that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and there have been so many murders against women that have shown up in the news this month.

Even the horrible massacre that happened at a beauty salon in Seal Beach here in Southern California made the national news.

Not that this doesn't happen everyday.

It's just that I heard another one today, about how on Saturday an EX-BOYFRIEND burned his former girlfriend alive in front of her children. She died yesterday.

This subject has been itching at me for years and after hearing this kind of story for the millionth time I just could not be quiet anymore.

Because I am a survivor of domestic violence this is an especially hot button topic for me.

My current husband is wonderful, the first non-abusive man I have ever had in my life.

Because of my former attraction to "Bad Boys" all the former men in my life have ranged from verbal and emotional abuse to physical violence.

I was just one of the lucky ones that got away.

But not without the emotional scars.

There are many facets to this topic, too many to mention now.

I am writing this post to say just one thing.

If you are in a relationship with one of these kind of guys

GET OUT!!!

Don't be fooled.

Bad Boys are exactly what they are; BAD.

And I don't mean bad as in cool, even though that is what you might think at first, whether you learned it from the movies or romance novels or wherever that makes "Bad Boys" seem cool.

IT IS ALL A LIE!!

The neighbors of that woman who was burned on Saturday tried to stop her from burning and in a news interview a neighbor said that in the parking lot where she had run out of her apartment where she was then lying on the ground, her two children were over her body, crying and trying to talk to her while her body smoldered.

I know it is so horrible to be writing this, but every time I hear a story like this I want to scream out and tell women that if they are in a relationship like this to get out!

And then I calm down and don't say anything after all and I go on with everyday life and then I hear this story again.

I hope that no one reading this is going through this kind of relationship, but if you are

GET OUT.

Please hear me now before the news tells another story like this.

Be honestly aware of what the person you are involved with is like.

Love yourself.

Take care of yourself.

If you know someone else that is in a relationship like this you cannot make them leave but be there for them.

Be honest.

Be aware.

Treat yourself with Love.

And Be Safe.

Carol B.

Process

2011-10-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

I wish I would remember to take photos of my painting along the way.

You know, how it started and the process that evolved.

It would have been great with this one.

I was playing around in my sketchbook and things started to get ugly.

I played around some more and they got whatever.

Then I went the other way and went from nonsense symbols to painting a face over it.

I really liked the results.

I liked that fact that there were layers of paint and other objects painted behind this face, integrating with the overall color and background design.

Goes to show that no matter how much you mess up or how you don't like the results you are getting you can always go over it and start again.

Just like in life.

Peace.

Carol B.

This, Too

2011-10-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

"Anguish"

Acrylic on paper

18x24

Anguish.

Is it necessary?

I hear it will make you a better person.

All I know that is when I am going through it I think it is a bunch of crap.

It has been a month since we buried my mom.

All this time I hadn't been able to grieve or cry.

Everything was buried too deep.

Then Tuesday I was finally able to let a lot out.

I was all alone in my house so I was able to scream and cry and get angry and sink in anguish.

And then I felt better.

Anguish.

Is it really necessary?

Who knows.

If anything I do know that whatever we are going through,

This, too, shall pass.

Peace and Comfort,

Carol B.

Another Crayola Creation

2011-10-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

"Knowing"
18x24

Here is another portrait I did using Crayola Crayons.
Is this a kick or what?
I have bought tons of art supplies, always seeking for something more unusual and exciting.
Then I come back to Crayola Crayons and I am having a ball!
Not that more expensive art supplies aren't wonderful.
I'm just talking about people like me who have put off doing the work until I find the perfect supplies or the perfect paper/canvas, or the perfect time to work.
I am thinking that everyone except me already knows that there is no such thing as "perfect."
It's all about just doing the work, baby!
I hope you are having a great time doing the work that you know is you!
'Til later,
Carol B.

R.I.P.

2011-10-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

Creating With Crayola

2011-09-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

Holy mole!

Can you believe I did this with good old Crayola Crayons?

I have to admit I have a huge stash of art materials that I hoard, afraid they are going to run out. This is absolutely ridiculous because I have so much. It's a habit I have from when I was a little girl brought up to think in terms of lack instead of abundance, a way of thinking that has to go!

I decided to bring out all my stuff and use them all up because yes, I can buy more!

But just to make sure ;) I started with my Crayola Crayons because even kids can afford to use Crayola Crayons. I thought I would scribble some simple design but I have to say, I think this came out great!

My first set of art tools,

still after my heart!

Much Love!

Carol B.

An Open Heart

2011-09-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

"Open Heart"

Acrylic on paper, 18x24

Several months ago I finally opened my heart.

Let go of all the bitterness of the past.

Things were wonderful.

Then my mother was diagnosed with cancer that was too far gone.

Two months later she passed away.

During those two months my heart was whirling, on a rollercoaster ride I couldn't get off.

There were days when I stood strong and positive that a miracle would happen and she would be healed.

Other days I was angry and bitter and my heart was closed again.

Last week we buried my mother.

Sometimes I don't know what to think.

This experience is all so very new.

But one thing I do know is that I cannot go back to the days when I was angry and bitter.

I long for an Open Heart.

And so I begin once again.

And it is good.

Peace.

Carol B.

Back to Basics

2011-09-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

Back in the day I mostly painted on large canvases. Usually 16x24. I would set up the easel and paint standing up, swinging a brush full of paint, working to my heart's content.

Since I had been hanging around online and working on art journals and such I got used to sitting down at a table, working on much smaller surfaces.

To tell you the truth, I was not crazy about it at first.

Don't get me wrong. I love working on art journals. It's just that I always felt something was missing.

The problem was I was not listening to my own art spirit and was instead doing mostly what others were doing.

Again, nothing wrong with learning from others, but in the end you have to do what you know is right for you.

For the longest time I had been itching to work on a larger surface.

Today I finally pulled out a large 18x24 sketchbook, placed it on an easel, pulled out the brushes and paints and painted standing up, the adrenaline flowing through me as I slammed paint across the surface, excited to see what would happen.

Yeehaw!!

It was the best feeling ever!

Just started this painting, playing with ideas.

Who knows exactly how it will turn out.

For now I am just happy, playing with the paint, following my heart.

May you have a wonderful, joyful day!

'Til later,

Carol B.

Somber Days

2011-09-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

"Life Overtakes Me"

Mixed Media on paper

Words

2011-03-11T14:04:00.000-08:00

"Words"

From my sketchbook

Mixed Media on paper

This painting reminds me of how I often feel.

Words and words and words all around me,

Sometimes guiding me,

sometimes driving me crazy.

Sometimes I find them impossible to turn off,

especially when they are beating me down.

I try relaxing,

eating,

watching TV.

Then I remember,

and pick up a paintbrush,

and feel the paint glide across the canvas,

the color washing around me,

and once again there is peace,

and calm,

and I can start again.

Carol B.

What's New?

2011-03-08T15:40:00.000-08:00

I cannot tell a lie.

This man has been on my mind.

For those of you too young to know, this is Tom Jones, a singer who rose to fame in the later 60's (mind you, I was a little girl!).

Really, I was young, which is why I was not into him at the time.

Oh, I liked his music, songs like "It's Not Unusual" and "She's A Lady."

But I was not into him, as a man.

At that time my whole world consisted of my mad passion for the Beatles and their boyishness, unlike Tom Jones, who was, well, as you can see, not very boyish.

He was too "manly" and I was too young to understand his sex appeal, unlike other women, who used to throw their panties at him while he romanced them onstage.

All these years later I became reacquainted with him and his music, which is when I found this picture.

Sigh.

It's all Janini's fault, my hurry-up-and-be-my-daughter-in-law.

Several days ago she came over and she was singing a line from one of his songs, "What's New, Pussycat?"

She would just sing that one line, really loud.

"WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA."

Not that she's into Tom Jones.

She's just loves her cat, and cats in general.

I hadn't heard that song in ages, which made me think about it again.

And then I started thinking about the lyrics,

and how wonderfully sexy and enticing they are, along with the seductive passion in his voice.

It's a long story, but suddenly my passion for life, and the beautiful things in life, which had begun of late to grow dim, suddenly ignited with a burning flame.

Or maybe it was just be that picture.

Which, by the way, my daughter said was disgusting when I showed it to her, wiping the drool off my laptop screen.

When I also blasted away the song "What' New, Pussycat?" that I had just bought on iTunes, she told me to turn it off because that was also disgusting.

I know. There's that word.

But we'll forget about that.

Anyway, if it's bad that I'm obsessing about this man I'll blame it on Janini.

But look at him.

Can you blame me?

Of course, that was taken a long time ago.

He is so much older.

But, as is often true with men, even though he is now 70, he still handsome and sexy.

Now, is that unfair, or what?

But for now, I will go back to my art room, take out the sketches I've been working on, put "What's New, Pussycat?" to continually repeat on iTunes, as I think of him, and try not to drool all over my work.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

I truly hope today and everyday of your life is filled with joy and love.

Blessings to you all!

Love,

Carol B.

My Saturday

2011-02-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

Spending the day watching The Godfather.

It was an offer I couldn't refuse.

See you Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday...

Carol B.

Happy Birthday, BB!

2011-02-09T17:46:00.000-08:00

"Oh, What a Lovely Life!"

Mixed media on paper

Today is my BB's Birthday!

I cannot believe my little baby is 30 years old!

Of course, I had her when I was only five. ;)

She is the most amazing young woman.

Of course, I always knew she would be.

And I am not saying that simply because she is my daughter.

Even when she was so very young, at least three or four, I knew she was going to be such a special person.

Always so positive, full of life, sociable and outgoing.

I knew she would put those qualities to good use in her life.

And she has.

Everyone I meet that knows hers says "You're Dionna's mom? Oh, you raised such a wonderful young woman!"

Well, of course! :D

But it was always in her, right from the start.

And so I join the many, many people in her life who wish her a happy birthday.

But I am the one who first saw her, thirty years ago, at 1:30 in the afternoon,

who wished her the first happy birthday,

and a joyous welcome to life.

And with all my love,

I wish an ever joyous life to my baby girl.

Happy Birthday, to the most beautiful young woman!

Love Always,

Mama.

My First Plushie!

2011-01-21T14:46:00.000-08:00

Look what I did!

I made my first Plushie!

Even though I have never been a sewing person, Janini, my hurry-up-and-be-my-daughter-in-law, who I showed in a previous post having her first sewing lesson, got me excited about getting into sewing.

My mother Connie, of aforementioned Connie's Closet, has sewn her whole life and is the most expert perfectionist sewing artist you can imagine.

When I was young, I took her sewing skills for granted. After all, back then it seemed like the old fashioned thing that mothers do.

After all these years, seeing all the sewing that is going on everywhere online, including the mixed media world, I finally got the sewing bug.

Actually, quite a few years ago, I did do some sewing, including a few stuffed toys, but I have never been someone who sews.

After bringing out my old sewing machine, and I am not even going to tell you how old it was, I found it no longer worked, so my mom surprised me with a new one!

So here is my Plushie, which I designed myself!

It started out like this:

And here it is!
Of course, being the little travieso (mischief maker) that he is, he started running around, showing up everywhere.

First, he tried hiding on a chair against a red wall:

Then he tried hiding in a basket of newly washed laundry:

Then he tried hooking up on my new sewing machine!

In the kitchen in a bowl near the curtains:

And wouldn't you know he'd try messing with my ever faithful paintbrushes!

But most of all, he just wanted to wish you all a lot of love, and a beautiful joy filled weekend!

Also wishing you love and joy,

Carol B.

Honor

2011-01-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

Agree.

Or disagree.

With Love

and Respect.

Carol B.

Bloom!

2011-01-10T17:16:00.000-08:00

"Bloom!"

Acrylic on canvas board

Have no fear.

We're all rooting for you.

Love,

Carol B.

Follow Your HeArt!

2011-01-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

Here is Janini, getting her craft on as she takes her first sewing lesson at Connie's Closet!

Connie is my mom, fabric artist and crafter extraordinaire, winner of many a blue ribbon at the Los Angeles County Fair.

Janine decided that she wanted to learn how to sew so that she could be the creator of her own world, instead of a slave to whatever stores dictate is the style of clothes she should be wearing, or what kind of curtains should be in her home, to name a few things.

My mom showed her how to make a drawstring bag and she did it on her first try!

Janini is now on a roll, on the verge of tackling a sewing project for her boyfriend, my son.

After that, Janine, my mother, my daughter, and I will tackle the project of getting my son to hurry up and propose! ;D

Follow your heArt!

Carol B.

True Cravings

2011-01-05T10:31:00.000-08:00

Do you ever find yourself eating when you're not really hungry?

Later you're still unsatisfied and filled with regrets?

Next time ask yourself;

What am I really craving?

Maybe you need to get out those paints, crayons, and markers.

Grab your camera and go for a walk.

Thread your sewing machine and whizzz away!

Get out those gardening tools and plant that garden.

Let's officially give ourselves permission

to satisfy the true cravings

of our heart.

Carol B.

Trust

2011-01-03T16:05:00.000-08:00

"Trust What Your Heart Already Knows"

Acrylic on canvas board

Your heart is wired to know you best.

It is ready to fly,

if you will only follow.

Trust.

Carol B.

New Eyes For A New Year

2011-01-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

From my sketchbook.

Sharpie and Prismacolor Markers

Everyday I am drawing something familiar that is around me.

I am finding that even if it is something I usually see everyday, when I really take the time to look at it, it looks so much different than I thought it did. So much more interesting and beautiful.

Drawing it with a Sharpie means I don't spend a lot of time erasing and redrawing to try to make it look perfect.

And I am finding the imperfections give it so much character.

Sort of like us.

I picture that I want to be so perfect.

A perfect body, a perfect face, perfect hair, etc.

But if you see too much perfection, how boring is that?

Now, don't get me wrong.

If my fairy godmother said she could wave a wand and I would look perfect I would say

HECK YEAH!!

But if something looks perfect, after a while there's no mystery, nothing more to discover.

I believe that is one of the reasons the mixed media art world has had so much popularity.

The work is not about perfection, but about design, essence, and character.

The work is not "classically" beautiful, but beautiful in its own way, which makes it all the more interesting.

Like us.

If you happen to be "classically" beautiful, then more power to you (and can I have the name of your fairy godmother?)

But for those of us who have our imperfections, we need to take another look at ourselves, our work, all we are, and all we do with different eyes. We need to see the beauty of our unique design and essence and character.

We need to sigh at the beauty that is ours and ours alone.

Not simply to toot our own horn (although we should, TOOT TOOT!)

But in accepting our own imperfections as beautiful and unique, we can more readily accept the imperfections of others, which can help give us all so much more balance and peace.

Which is Day 2 of a much more powerful New Year.

Peace to you,

Carol B.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

From my sketchbook.

Sharpie and Watercolor

I started my life as a more positive person.

Not perfectly positive, but more positive.

Then there was life.

Being positive is good, but you have to be good to yourself first.

Otherwise it is too easy to put others first and neglect yourself, including your own safety and peace of mind.

Then comes bitterness and negativity, which will screw up your life faster than anything else.

I recently heard someone I know talking, and every word coming out of that person's mouth was so negative I had to leave the room.

I could not stand to listen to that person.

And then I thought,

Oh, no,

Is that the way I sound?

I realized that years of bitterness and negativity was making me sound just like that person.

And my life showed it.

So I have decided that, starting today, no more negativity.

Positivity.

That doesn't mean not acknowledging when things can be better.

It just means not giving up in despair,

only to become more broken.

Today, I Honor myself.

Support myself.

Respect myself.

Accept who I am and all I have been.

Commit to being good to myself,

and truly starting a positive, new life.

My hope is that you will be Good to yourself.

Honor yourself.

Respect yourself.

And have the Best New Year ever.

Much Love,

Carol B.

Heaven

2010-12-13T13:30:00.000-08:00

"It's like being in a candy store," Janine said.

Carol looked around and sighed.

"Yes," she said. "It is."

Within

2010-12-11T15:10:00.000-08:00

Loving my old school kitchen curtains.

Sometimes the best views are from within.

Carol B.

Blue

2010-12-10T16:59:00.000-08:00

"Blue Ice"

the bottom of the wind chime

in my backyard

Happy Birthday Janine!!

2010-12-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

On Monday I was preoccupied waiting for some particular work that I originally wanted to post. It didn't come through so I didn't think I had anything to post.

WHAT WAS I THINKING??

See how happy my son looks in this picture?

It is because of one thing and one thing only, and that is his lovely girlfriend that is with him, the famous hurry-up-and-be-my-daughter-in-law Janine!

On Monday it was her birthday and I totally forgot to give her a shout out here!

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JANINE!!!!

Thank you for being such a Blessing in my son's life.

I could not ask for a more wonderful future daughter-in-law.

So hurry up, Eric, and get married already so we can all be blessed!! ;)

Much love to you, Janine!

Carol

In All Your Getting, Get Wisdom

2010-12-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

"Wise Up"

(said the owl)

"Three Wise Women"

From my sketchbook,

Watercolor and Ink

I was playing in my sketchbook with a sharpie pen.

The cool thing about drawing with a sharpie pen is that you can't erase, so you just go with the flow and see what happens.

Often when you're trying too hard to get something perfect, it comes out stiff and has no character. This is true with drawing and painting, and, come to think of it, with life itself.

Anyway, I was drawing and, as usual, I started drawing a face. I can't help but be drawn to faces. Even when I was young I always sketched faces.

I was originally drawing the woman in the middle and before I knew it she had a friend beside her, then another friend.

Without knowing why, I drew the middle woman with a knit cap.

I didn't know why I would do that, then I realized I must subconciously be thinking of my daughter, who often wears a knit cap.

I think women who can and do wear hats look really cool.

I've never worn hats because I don't think I look good in them. Who knows. Maybe I would look good but have just never let myself. Anyway, I like the way my daughter looks in hers so maybe that's why I did it.

After drawing the picture, for some reason, the title "Three Wise Women" came about. Why I thought about that, I don't know either. Then, again, deep down, I probably got the idea because lately the idea of being a wise woman has been working deep down inside me.

I am thinking, ITS ABOUT TIME after all these years. I am way past the age of deciding to finally become wise.

But I have been working on it. Actually, having become committed to it.

Maybe I thought working on being wise would make me more restricted and repressed than I have already lived my entire life, and that is the last thing I need!

But on the contrary, it is becoming one of the wildest, most freeing rides of my life!

Anyway, it is funny how when something is telling you that a particular area is what you need to be working on in your life, there are signs and teachers everywhere.

Another is the fact that my daughter, featured in the top photo, got this t-shirt that has a photo of an owl saying "Wise Up." Below it is Proverbs 4:7 that, paraphrased says, "in all your getting, get wisdom."

My daughter has surpassed me in many things, one in being a Wise Woman. She has been working hard being a wonderful blessing and influence in this world, as an intern, a mentor, and many other things. She is the Joy of my heart.

It was not until after I had painted the above sketch of "Three Wise Women" and I had thought of writing this post that I asked her to take a picture of herself wearing her "Wise Up" t-shirt and knit cap.

Now, understand that when I drew the picture I was not originally drawing the woman with her in mind, and yet, this morning when she emailed the picture she took of herself, I was shocked. She always takes pictures staring straight into the camera with a big smile and yet this time, she had taken her picture looking sideways with a slightly uplifted smile just like in my sketch!

I was pretty amazed, as well as absolutely delighted.

So after several days of writing short posts I have gone back to writing a long one again, but that's ok. I enjoyed it.

Hoped you liked the photos and the post.

And remember, if you are ready to kick up your life, then

in all your getting,

Get Wisdom!

Much Love,

Carol B.

A Home Called Love

2010-12-03T11:07:00.000-08:00

A house is made of sticks and stone

But a Home is made of Love alone.

(Acrylic on 11x14 canvas board)

Having a beautiful home is a wonderful goal.

But if you're a mother out there with younger children still at home and you're working hard and the days seem endless and all your hard work often comes with no thanks, and you still don't have that beautiful dream home and it seems like you never will, you might think all your hard work is for nothing.

Believe me, I know.

But as someone who made it all the way over to this side (as in many years down the road) I can say don't despair.

All your hard work is not for nothing.

All these years later I still don't have the beautiful house I would like to have (but I haven't given up!)

But I can tell you that if you have built your home with love, it is not in vain.

And don't worry if you see all your mistakes and you think your love is not good enough.

However much we stumble with our love, love never fails.

To have a beautiful home is a perfectly wonderful goal, but if you put the material beauty above love, you build your house in vain.

Love first.

Then the beautiful home.

So if you look around and you see the worn rug and the furniture that has seen better days, don't despair.

When your child hands you that picture they drew of you, holding their hand, standing in front of that crooked house with hearts all around, you will know you already have a beautiful home.

Much Love,

Carol B.

Think Again

2010-12-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

Some say love is for the weak.

Think again.

Conversations

2010-12-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

"I keep trying to get it perfect, but I'm just not good enough."

"What in life is perfect?"

"Nothing, I guess."

"What about God's love?"

"Oh yes, that's perfect."

"You know, they say God is love."

"Yes, I believe God is love."

"Then if God is love, everything He creates must be made from Perfect Love."

"Sounds right."

"Do you believe He created you?"

"Oh, yes."

"So if everything He creates is made from Perfect Love, what does that make you?"

"Hmm..."

Ground Level

2010-11-30T12:12:00.000-08:00

Up.

Down.

Up.

Then back down again.

My head out of the sky.

My feet reaching for solid ground.

Beginning the journey one more time

to see who is "Me."

Last Week

2010-07-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

Last week was a really weird week.

Well, not weird, really.

It's just that it was filled with so many feelings.

Last Wednesday was my birthday and even though everyone made me feel wonderful, it did not feel wonderful to know I was getting older.

At one point, when we were having lunch with my son and his girlfriend, my husband said, "This is great! We'll have to do it again on your next birthday!"

"Yuk!" I said. "I don't want another birthday."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to have any more birthdays. I don't want to get older."

"You have to," he said.

"No I don't," I said.

And then I realized what I was saying.

If I didn't have another birthday and I didn't get any older, that meant I would be dead.

Hmmm.

On second thought...

As simple as that was, I realized that, although I am not crazy about getting older in the sense that you look older and your body starts to not work as good as it used to, still, day after day that you are here means that you are still alive, as opposed to being dead.

I am watching "Deadliest Catch," a reality show about the deadliest occupation there is, which is crab fishing. It's a great show, but the main event that people have been watching the past few weeks, and especially last Tuesday and tomorrow night is the death of one of the most popular captains, Phil Harris. It is heartbreaking, but one of the most heartbreaking things to watch was Phil on last Tuesday night's episode. It showed this super tough, gruff fisherman in his hospital bed, weak and disabled, with this look on his face where you can tell that he now knows he is going to die. It is almost a look of panic as he desperately tries to interact with his son, trying to touch him and tell him how much he loves him.

Wow.

And I realized that yes, Carol, you are getting older, with all that is involved with getting older, but look what it would mean to not get older.

Captain Phil had just turned 53 years old. To a young person that might seem old, but believe me, it is not. It is way too young to die.

I know that we cannot tell when our last day will be. But I will try to no longer bemoan getting older.

I am sure Captain Phil would have given anything to have another birthday.

I had my birthday.

And to tell you the truth, I hope I am blessed with many more.

Love,

Carol B.

Final Image

2010-07-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

And so here is the final image from that painting I showed you in my last post (you can compare by scrolling down).

Isn't it gorgeous?

I thought so. (If you click on the image you can enlarge it and see it even closer).

The only bummer is that I painted this in my sketchbook. Now I wished I had painted it on canvas!

I originally thought this was just going to be a practice painting, something where I would be playing with different techniques, and wouldn't you know it turned out good!

Oh well.

There is that matter of trust again.

Trusting that I can take out a canvas and work without fear and judgement and believe in myself enough to know that what comes out of me will be beautiful.

And knowing that if it doesn't, there's always gesso!

I was also really happy because I have not had much success with scanning my work, so I just photograph it, which means the image is not going to come out as good as if you scanned it. I don't know why my scanner never works properly. I don't know if it's me or the scanner. I really didn't think this was going to come out but I decided to give it a try. I didn't do anything differently than I usually do and this time it worked, just like that. Maybe because I moved my printer/scanner to a different, less cluttered room and it felt happier! ;p

Who knows. I'm just happy it worked.

Well, tomorrow is my birthday, and no, I'm not going to tell you how old I will be! :D

Tonight my son and his girlfriend are making me dinner! YeeHaw! We'll just be a small little group, my hubby and my kids, hanging out. We've found out that we have a much better time doing that than going to a restaurant like we used to. In a restaurant it's more formal and if you're not sitting next to someone you might not get to talk with them the whole time, so it's not as intimate. Not to mention that, of course, it's more expensive eating out. So not only does this save money, but we truly have a more wonderful time of sharing. If my husband or I take pictures, I'll try to post them.

So this is the last time I post at this age, so next time I'll be older. Ha Ha! Actually, I have a lot to say on this aspect and how the one great thing about the age thing is that I'm finally getting it into my head about the absolute necessity of self respect and self love, and how that is creating a turning point in my life.

Later on that.

For now, hope you have a great day and I'll save you some cake and ice cream!

(I won't really, but I thought it would be nice to say!)

Love,

Carol B.

ARE WE THERE YET?

2010-07-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who has to keep tweaking my life, over and over, 'til I get it right.

I am sure this is not true, and yet I wonder if the powers that be are looking at their watches and saying, "ARE YOU THERE YET?"

I started a painting in my sketchbook a while back and then, later, coming back to it, I thought, this isn't so great after all.

So I decided to do what I would never do back in the day, and that is paint over it.

It was a wonderful thing to get to that point. Another hesitancy I got over.

I wish I had taken a picture of that painting, and how I painted over it, and all the layers of paint I did. That is my next thing I am learning, to keep my camera in my studio and take pictures of my work as I go. After all, if I really don't want to use them, I can just delete. I need to keep telling myself this until I remember.

So I painted over this painting and I did several layers, and I even went out of my comfort zone by using colors I don't usually use. I have been wanting to do that because I have found myself in a rut, not venturing out of my color zone, so I did and I really liked the results.

Then I got a Sharpie marker and quickly sketched out a face, because that's what I like to do.

Here's more of a close up. You can see all the multi-layers of colors underneath.

Then I put a foundation of color for the face.

And started to put in a little shading.

A little color to the lips (a girl's gotta have some juicy lipstick!) and the hair.

Finished filling in the hair.

I'm still going to play around with it some more.

Yes after all these layers, it's still not finished so I'm going to tweak it some more.

And yes, that's ok.

Hmmm.

So I am thinking how that is one of the most wonderful things about art.

If art is where your heart is, then it most certainly speaks to you and gives you the messages you need, in so many ways.

And that is, after all the layers and layers of my life, all the times I have started over and wiped out things and started again, is that ok?

Yes.

Can I keep working on it?

Yes.

Will I one day have something I love?

Yes.

And then I can start again.

And that's ok.

It's called Living Life.

Do the Colors of your Life continue to change?

Is it difficult because you fight it?

Or are you one of those people who can go with the flow?

Hoping you have a wonderful weekend!

Carol B.

Healing the Back, etc.

2010-07-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

My lower back had been out for quite a few days. I had been OD 'ing on ibuprofen but it still wasn't going away. I was getting that panicked feeling of "what if this never goes away?" A scary feeling.

Finally, I brought out my yoga CD that I have that is specifically for the back.

This is Rodney Yee, and it is the BEST CD ever.

My husband and I got it a few years ago when I was having a real problem. After aspirin and ibuprofen and my husband giving me massages that usually work, nothing was working. I got this CD and it worked miracles.

Usually just doing it one time does the trick, although this time I did it on Monday, felt some relief, stayed on my feet too long yesterday, and all the pain was back. I did the tape again this morning and bingo, I am fine again. I am just making sure that today I take it easy and treat myself with tender, loving care, which I found really does make a difference as opposed to being too hard on yourself. The mind really does take things out on your body.

Besides being the best CD ever for healing your back pain, Rodney Yee is one cutie patootie to look at!

The backdrop is the beautiful beaches of Maui which makes the CD an overall pleasure.

I don't know if you can find this at any store nowadays. If anything, try Amazon, but I do highly recommend this CD if you have back problems.

And if you have never done yoga or if you have done yoga and found it sorta weird, don't worry about this CD. It is not weird at all. I have bought other yoga CDs and some of them are really weird and out there. Not this one. It is very beautiful and he does the stretches very slowly so that you don't further irritate your back.

But the most healing medicine I took for myself was a big batch of these!

Yes, they are my famous chocolate chip cookies! And are they ever delish! Not that they do much good for my hips and thighs, but they do wonders to put a smile on my face!

Hoping you are treating yourself with love!

'Til later,

Carol B.

The Designed Journal

2010-07-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

I'm finally posting my daughter's journal!

On one of my last posts I talked about how my daughter had this journal and she wanted me to decorate it with my art.

I wish I had taken a "before" picture but I forgot. Actually, I think the reason is because in the back of my mind I was a little nervous and I was wondering if I would actually do this, so I didn't bother to take a picture. This must stop! We must be confident of our work! I know. Easier said than done (I'm working on it!).

Just picture a journal made of plain, brown cardboard bound with a sort of black tape. That's the best way I can describe it.

I was thinking of various designs, and one came to mind, but I wanted something more personal. Then I remembered this picture I had of my daughter. Someone took it of her when she was at the Monterey Aquarium, up San Francisco way. This is it:

Isn't it awesome? I thought it was fantastic. I saw it on her Facebook, so I swiped it and put it with my pictures. I knew it was just perfect for what I had in mind. The journal itself is for something she is doing at her church where she is studying passages of the Bible and then writing her thoughts on them everyday. When I thought of this picture, it had that heavenly spiritual kind of look.

I loved the whole picture, but I knew I had to cut it down to this:

I knew I was going to paste it on the front, but then what was I going to do? Would I leave it alone? Would I paint over it like a collaged art journal?

I got another piece of cardboard I had hanging around and experimented with another photo. I decided to just paint over it a bit with a roller, then had fun painting around it.

On the back, I knew I wanted to paint a heart (because I love my BB!) and I was going to be incorporating Proverbs 3:6 where it says "Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He shall direct thy paths." I love that scripture, and to me it had to do with the purpose of that journal. I wanted to tear out the scripture from the Bible and put a real page on the heart, but I didn't have a Bible I felt I could cut up. I had wanted to get a Bible from the used book store that I did not have an attachment to so I wouldn't feel so bad cutting it up, but I hadn't got one yet. Then I remembered this little Bible I had first gotten when I was around 16. I used to carry it around everywhere and read it back then. It was very special to me, but I knew I hadn't used it in forever. Did I dare cut it up? At first I hesitated, but then I thought, why not? It would make it all the more special.

So I did and I pasted it on the heart with my daughter's name, so that it said, "Dionna..." and then it had the whole passage of Proverbs 3 from around one to ten, so it looked like it was talking to her personally. It looks like this:

On the front of the journal I incorporated the verse from Proverbs 3:6 so it looks like this:

Even though I was originally nervous about doing this project, I have to say I was so pleased with it! I rock, boy! ;p

I really enjoyed taking an actual photo and playing with it to get another effect. I'll have to try it more often!

Now, if you want to see an expert do this, take a look at Maria-Therese's beautiful work at afiori. Her work is gorgeous! And she is having this great give-away that you have to take a look at. Just look up the posting for Saturday, June 26, 2010. I wish I had posted this sooner because the give-away ends tomorrow morning, but since I took a while at getting this post up, you'll have to hurry up and get on over there. You late-night people should be fine.

She does beautiful photographic work. You need to get over there. You won't regret it!

Well, thanks for coming by.

I hope you are having a great week.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Love!

2010-06-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

May Love soar joyfully through your weekend!

Much Love!

Carol B.

Trusting The Process

2010-06-24T17:09:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of the messy table in my art studio, but that's ok because it means I've been working!

My daughter gave me a journal with a blank cover and asked if I'd put a design on it. If I had thought of it, I would have taken a "before" photo but I forgot. I'd like to show you the "after" photo but I can't because my daughter hasn't seen it yet.

But what impressed me today was The Process. You know, that scary "Process" where you are working on something and you think it could be good but you're not sure and you're doing this as a particular assignment for someone so it has to be good but that just makes "The Process" all the more scarier.

I was sure I had a good idea for a design and I even practiced the design on another background and I got more excited and more sure that it was going to be good.

Nevertheless,

the more I worked the design on the actual journal the more scared I got. After all, I couldn't make a mistake on this, and what if the idea I had didn't work after all? Or it didn't look as good as I thought? Or I made this HORRIBLE, UNFIXABLE mistake?

So this is where I started finally practicing this thing that I have been thinking about lately and that is

BELIEVING IN MY WORK.

BELIEVING IN MYSELF.

TRUSTING THE PROCESS.

As much as I have wanted to do this, as much as I have read about it, as many self-help books as I have, actually DOING it is very foreign to me. But I have realized that some things are not going to magically fall upon you, like fairy dust. There are some things you have to grab a hold of and not let go until you see things through.

So that's what I did.

And you know what?

It worked!

Usually when those Evil Voices of Fear start whispering in my ear ("You're not good enough. Who do you think you are? You might as well forget it"), I shudder and quake in my shoes and then I quit.

But then I thought, what power do those voices actually have, other than the power I give them? They're not like a character in The Godfather with a gun to your head, insinuating you have to do what they say because they're making an offer you can't refuse.

There's nobody there.

They can't really touch you.

THEY HAVE NO REAL POWER.

All their power is FAKE. It's only what you give them.

And then I thought, yeah, but what do I do about those voices? If I try to fight them, I'll just get worn down and end up giving up. If I cry or plead, they'll just see my weakness and pounce all the more.

And then I remembered.

Hey, Carol, you're a Mom. My kids are adults now, but I remember when my son was young and he used to do what that little character does on "Family Guy." I used to be washing dishes with this little TV on a shelf in front of me that I had on to distract me from the pain of washing the dishes so my mind was already concentrating on several things at once and my son would come up to my side and say "Mom. Mama. Mommy. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mama...."

You get the picture.

And because he did this a million times a day I learned to tune him out.

Not all the time, so don't look at me that way.

Just sometimes.

So I decided to do that with The Evil Voices, saying "Ok, yeah, whatever, later," as I kept working.

And they went away.

And I finished the journal, much more quickly than I thought, and yes, I think it's beautiful!

But what I'm even more excited about is what happens when you tune out the chatter and learn to Trust.

Trust yourself.

Believe in your work.

Trust the Process.

Wishing you Blessings,

Carol B.

Flower Fantasy

2010-06-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

My daughter works with this young woman who is said to offer thought provoking questions to the people around her, just to get them thinking.

Last week, my daughter asked me the latest question that her coworker had asked, which was, "If you had a thousand dollars, and you had to spend it all at once, and you couldn't use it to pay bills, what would you spend it on?"

Seems simple enough and yet, to our surprise, many of us have had a difficult time answering that question.

I realized that I desperately wanted to use this money to pay off some bills, and yet that was not allowed. I thought it would be easy to think of something else, and yet I couldn't.

"Are you sure I can't use it to pay some bills?" I asked my daughter, as if the money were real.

"No."

I couldn't think of what else I would possibly spend it on, which I believe, in itself, is supposed to tell you something about yourself. At least, I began wondering what it was telling me about myself.

It wasn't until this week that I really thought about what simple thing within my reach that I was not reaching for could make me happy.

And then I got it.

Of all the things that I could whine and complain about that I do not have and that I wish I had, I have been trying to make a more concentrated effort on being grateful for what I do have. I am doing this because I have found that it is far too easy for me to say "I have nothing!" when in reality, despite what I don't have, I have really been blessed with so much.

I realized that, despite the way things have been and the stories you hear about people losing everything, today I do have my own home. I do have a roof over my head, and as much as I complain that my backyard is ugly and bare, that is of my own doing, because, unlike many people who look out their back window and have no backyard, I do have a backyard.

I don't have a green thumb and so sometimes I plant some flowers and they die. Then again, I mostly buy the flowers and then they hang around in the plastic pots they came in until they die. Even then I'll start crying about how I watered them so how come they died? Until my mom and dad, who have a beautiful backyard, told me that you have to take them out of the plastic pots or they'll die.

Anyway, I said all that to say that one of the things I have always longed for was a beautiful, wild type of backyard garden, and that if I had that I would be so happy.

So, back to the thousand dollars, I realized that if I had a thousand dollars I would use it to pay someone to create for me as much of the garden of my dreams as I could create for a thousand dollars.

Of course, that thousand dollars was not real, but it made me think, if having that garden would honestly make you that happy, why not just make it happen?

It doesn't cost that much to buy some plants, even if I only buy them one or two at a time. Then get down on my knees and take the few minutes to put them in the ground and water them and before I know it, little by little, I can have that beautiful backyard garden I have always dreamed of.

So really, how hard is that? I mean, compared to complaining about what I don't have?

So that is what I am going to do, even if it is one plant at a time.

I'm writing it here so I can be accountable.

Meanwhile, I had fun painting this canvas of pretty flowers! Until I get to the Garden section of Target, this is a wonderful start!

Wishing all your dreams come true!

Carol B.

The Color Of Peace

2010-06-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

When I turn on the news and see that the world is crazy I want to fix everything I hear and see. This makes me crazy and then everything else around me starts turning crazy.

That's when I know it's time to turn off the TV, pull out my sketchbook, and do what I know is the only thing that will bring me peace.

I start to sketch, which usually turns out to be a face.

I decided it would be fun to bring out the box of Crayola Crayons, as well as the watercolors, just to see what would happen.

Painting brings clarity to my heart and to my soul.

And then I can see much better.

It does not do the world any good for me to add my craziness to it.

But maybe, just maybe, when we bring a little color to our world, it might add a brushstroke of healing to the world around us.

Peace.

Carol B.

A Life Well Lived

2010-06-05T17:45:00.000-07:00

I never knew who John Wooden was until I met my husband.

My husband told me all about the legendary man, who my husband looked upon as a father, the kind of man who was the perfect example of a life well lived.

In this new media where people can become famous for doing stupid things, the exemplary life of John Wooden is like a breath of fresh air.

His principals of a successful life are simple, direct, and something we would all do well to consider.

All those who know about the man are sad that he had to leave us. Nevertheless, we are happy for him because we know how much he wanted to be with his wife Nell, who passed away 25 years ago.

For me personally, I want to thank you, John Wooden, for showing me that it still pays to live an honorable life.

May we all learn from you.

God Bless,

Carol B.

Ahh! The Joys of Painting!

2010-06-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

I love designing jewelry,

but painting..

Sigh..

How I missed it!
I went into my studio and pulled out some paint and brushes.

Then I unrolled a large sheet of butcher paper, taped it to my worktable, and went at it.

I randomly brushed on some color, then outlined in black paint whatever design came into my head, which usually ends up being flowers, leaves, and hearts, which I really love.

I slashed on more color, just listening to the music playing on my CD player, as well as in my heart,

just having fun.

Later I scribbled in some Caran d'Ache water-soluble pastels, which are sooo nice to work with.

For now, I'm finished, but I just might decide to add some other touches later.

There is a precious thing about art, in whichever form you choose; and that is that after you have finished running around, stressed out from life, the joy of Creativity is always there, waiting for you.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Congratulations Graduates!

2010-06-01T06:36:00.000-07:00

Isn't this the most amazing graduation picture you've ever seen?

It shows the ultimate joy and exhilaration of a long and difficult job well done.

I know that is the way I felt after I graduated from Cal State Long Beach 11 years ago.

This is a picture of Angela, my daughter's friend, who just graduated last Thursday. She also graduated from Cal State Long Beach, as did my daughter two years earlier.

The funny thing is that I graduated on Thursday, May 27 (11 years ago) and Angela graduated on Thursday, May 27. My daughter told Angela that she and I now share a special bond for sharing this special day.

When I graduated, it was a day long overdue. It was a difficult journey, what with being a single mom, having been divorced just a few years earlier. There were many lonely times when I was studying, hour after hour, wishing I could forget the whole thing. But when I marched down the aisle and up to that podium, Pomp and Circumstance marking my every step, it was the proudest moment of my life, one I will never forget.

So to all the Graduates of 2010, I say CONGRATULATIONS!! Blessings to you all for a job well done!

And in case you're wondering, the picture I posted was taken in the fountain of Cal State Long Beach. The young woman in the graduation gown in the front is Angela, and the lovely young woman on the left, with the long dark hair and purple print dress is my daughter, Dionna.

Of course, no one is really supposed to be in that fountain.

So if any officials are looking at this pic, then never mind. I don't really know the names of those people in that fountain.

'Til later,

Carol B.

In Remembrance

2010-05-31T12:26:00.000-07:00

Despite what goes on in the news, back and forth, this person's opinion and that person's opinion, I would like to say to those in the military, as well as their families, past and present, that there are those of us that remember and care.

We care about the fact that you have sacrificed so much to defend us so that we could be free.

Despite whatever garbage goes on in politics, whether or not there are really ulterior motives for this war or that, whether or not we should be fighting or should not, the fact is that these men and women in the military, along with their families, are sacrificing everything for us while those of us back here choose to intellectualize the debate or kick back and watch TV.

The simple fact is that they are out there,

we are not.

The families are waiting anxiously, or mourning in the deepest sorrow that we cannot know unless we have also had the misfortune of that experience.

My heart goes out to the parents who have lost their children,

the men and women who have lost their spouses,

the children who have lost their parents,

the siblings who have lost their brother or sister,

all those who have lost that person they so love.

Blessings to you.

I know it is not enough to say thank you, but thank you.

Thank you all for your sacrifice.

To those men and women that are back home, may your future be bright.

To those still out there, may you safely come back home.

God Bless you always.

Happy Birthday to My Baby Boy!

2010-05-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

Today my baby turns 25! Dude! You are a quarter of a century old! Ha Ha!

I am writing this at almost 6:30 in the morning, the time he was born 25 years ago.

Whew!

To all moms out there, you know it is hard to believe.

All the cliches are true when you say it seems like yesterday.

He was supposed to be born on the 4th of July, and instead, here he comes, five weeks early!

He was only 4 lbs, 15 oz!

And 37 hours of labor, which I will not let him forget, and here it is in print, for all to see!

But he was worth it.

As you can see, he has become a handsome young man, who is maturing into an honorable, respectful young man, more so everyday.

When he was in high school, we hit a lot of rough spots, but he is back to the wonderful person he started out to be.

I am so proud of him.

He is working hard, has a wonderful girlfriend, the hurry-up-and-be-my-daughter-in-law Janine, and I know he has a wonderful future ahead of him.

My Blessings to my Baby Boy.

I love you, Eric.

Love,

Mom

May 21, 1977

2010-05-21T06:53:00.000-07:00

I can write this because my husband never reads this blog, which is good, because I would like to write this, not only for myself, but for my kids.

Today, thirty three years ago, I got married.

Mind you, this was to my ex-husband.

But this is not about him. It is about a young, twenty one year old woman (was I ever twenty one??), having planned her wedding, and getting ready to embark on that journey that a young woman dreams about.

By this time, at 7:00 am, I was somewhere in the process of getting ready.

The time I do remember is about 9:30 am when I looked at the clock as I sat down to eat breakfast.

I remember sitting in front of the mirror above my dresser, as I looked at the finishing touches on my makeup.

I remember when my mom told my dad to come look at me, all dressed up in my wedding gown and veil. He came out of his bedroom and looked at me standing at my bedroom door.

"Oh, mija, you look so nice," he said, and hugged me.

And then he broke down in tears and ran back into his room.

I remember sitting in the car, riding to the church.

I remember standing on the brick steps in front of the church, while my cousin, my maiden of honor, straightened my veil.

I remember standing in the church foyer, in front of the doors to the sanctuary, the music playing, announcing that I was about to walk in.

And from that time on, I began a new life.

Time goes on and some things are good and some not so good.

There can be lots of anger, bitterness, and regret.

But despite it all, there are these pivotal moments in a young person's life when you begin a new journey, full of hopes and dreams.

Those dreams might be shattered, and you can go down an ugly road.

But even that time passes, and another pivotal moment comes when you choose to lay aside the past and begin life anew, remembering where you came from, remembering good intentions, choosing the best, and moving on.

And so, for my children, as well as myself, I choose to lay aside the past, so that I can fully enjoy that which was, and has always been, the best,

and that is you two, my beautiful children,

the Joy of my heart,

who I will love for always.

Love,

Mama

Pretty!

2010-05-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

Here's another necklace, with matching earrings:

I have it rolled up here, but it's about 18 inches long.

Spring Necklace

2010-05-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

Here is another necklace I made:

I just love the colors! The beads remind me of a beautiful spring day.

I am not showing it full length because when I take pictures like that it doesn't come out as clear, but it measures about 19 1/2 inches, including clasp.

What I now need is a model that can wear my jewelry while I photograph. But my son's girlfriend Janine is not here all the time, and my daughter is here even less, and I think my son and my husband would make horrible models, so forget that!

I'll figure something out.

Meanwhile, til I open my Etsy shop again, if you are interested in something give me a holla! You can write me at CarolBDesigns@gmail.com. I intend for my prices to be very reasonable.

'Til later,

Have a beautiful Spring Day!

Carol B.

Learning to Take Better Pictures!

2010-05-11T18:37:00.000-07:00

Yowie, zowie!

I'm finally learning to take better pictures of my necklaces!

Still have a lot to learn and more practice to get even better pictures, but there's a definite improvement.

I got a request from someone to make a necklace with a brown color scheme, so here is the necklace, with matching earrings;

I really think it's beautiful.

I'm having a great time learning all I can about being more creative with my designs. Soon my pictures will be good enough so I can finally start up my Etsy shop again.

By the way, I want to give a shout out to Lorelei Eurto. I recently discovered her site and wrote to her asking for help with taking pictures and she answered back immediately and was so generous with information that was a great help. Go check out her site. She has gorgeous jewelry and her videos are a crack up!

Thanks to all who have given me such encouragement!

'Til later,

Carol B.

Guilt By Any Other Name

2010-05-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

So here it is.

My version of a Bag of M&Ms.

None of them little wussy bags for me.

Of course, I'm going to kill my husband for giving it to me.

You see, about a week ago I bought one of those semi big bags, I think they're a pound. I was going through one of my fazes of getting a bag. Then I lay off them.

Anyway, I had opened it and I had it in my dresser drawer and on Sunday evening my husband and I were watching a movie and I felt like having some so I went to my drawer and I sneaked a few, even though I was eating them in front of him.

He didn't say anything so I felt a little bad, but mostly I was thinking maybe he didn't want any since he hardly eats chocolate, so I thought it would be safe to just take out the whole bag and eat more instead of sneaking them little by little.

As soon as I took out the bag he leaned over and said, "ooooh! Gimmeee!"

I said, "NO!" but then I felt bad and sighed.

"Alright," I said, making a face so he would feel bad, but he didn't.

And then we ended up eating the whole bag.

Now, mind you, after I got them at the market I put them away and I really didn't feel like eating them, which is what often happens once I actually get what it is I am not supposed to be eating. So they had been sitting in my drawer and I really didn't want them anymore, but then I felt guilty that I had bought them so I ate them anyway.

Now, of course, once Monday morning hit, just because I no longer had any, suddenly I was craving them like crazy and was mad because my husband helped me finish them.

Yes, I blame him.

So I was craving them all day Monday and then I was craving them all day yesterday and it was driving me crazy.

When my husband came home we had to go to Walmart for something so I said he had to replace my bag of M&Ms. He was getting this big bag and I said, "No, don't do that. I don't want to eat that much." And he said that he planned to eat some, too, and I said, "Well, you better, because if you don't, I'm really going to be mad if I eat that whole big bag by myself."

So I thought when we got home after dinner he would open the bag and eat some but he didn't and so now this big bag is just sitting in front of me, tempting me, making me feel guilty that we even bought them.

*Note the consistent theme running here: Guilt. And yes, that seems to be a consistent theme in my life, no matter what the subject.

In the photo I posted, it is sitting on top of my kitchen table, but that's not where it's really at. I just put it there for a nice picture. It's really in my room, where anyone that knows me could tell you.

And here's the last guilt story.

When my kids were little I used to buy me the one pound bag of M&Ms and I would hide them in my dresser drawer because if I had them out, of course the kids would want to eat them, so I would hide them.

Then when I wanted some I would sneak away, lock my bedroom door, quietly open my dresser drawer, and then, as quietly as possible, try to open the bag of M&Ms without rustling the bag too loudly. Of course, it still makes noise and so then I would suddenly hear a knocking at my door.

"Mom, are you in there?"

"No."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Are you eating M&Ms?"

"No."

"Yes you are. I can hear you."

"No."

"Can I have some?"

"No."

At the time, I didn't feel like I was being a rotten mom, but when you say the story out loud it does sound pretty rotten.

But you know what?

Do I feel guilty that I didn't share my M&Ms with my poor little kids?

No.

Hey, you gotta give up the guilt sometime.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Happy Anniversary to Me and My Sweetie!

2010-04-25T09:18:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of the man I have been married to for eight years.

Today is our 8th wedding anniversary.

Very simply, what I would like to say about this man is how special he is to me and how lucky I am to have found him, especially so late in life.

He is very quiet and unassuming, at least, on the outside.

And then, sometimes he can be wacky and crazy.

He makes me laugh.

He makes me think.

He quiets me down when I am wired and uptight.

He is there for me.

He makes me believe that there is a man out there that really loves me.

He supports me in my decisions, whether they be good or questionable.

He accepts me just the way I am.

Even when I am not made up, he makes me feel beautiful.

Even if I am on the heavier side, he makes me feel sexy and desirable.

He doesn't stand in my way, but supports me no matter what.

With him, I have been able to explore who I really am, without feeling I need to hold back because of fear of not being accepted.

He has allowed me to ride this journey of finding out who I really am, and he is still there for me.

I really love this man.

We were, cliche or not, really made for each other.

Thank you, my sweetie, for being there for me.

Thank you for bringing hope back into my life.

Te quiero mucho.

I will love you for always.

Por Vida,

Carol

Ice, Ice, Baby!

2010-04-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of my latest necklace:

I am having a fun time making jewelry, but I am having an awful time trying to get a decent photo of my work. As you would have noticed, most of the photos I have been showing you look like this:
It's a bummer because in person they look real purdy, I promise!

The photos I have been showing you I have taken with my little Kodak camera, not an expensive one. However, my husband is an amateur photographer and he's really good so I asked him to take some photos with his good camera and even though he takes outrageous close up photos of flowers, his photos of my jewelry honestly didn't turn out any better than the ones I took with my cheap camera (I can say this because he never reads my blog).

He recently upgraded to this even more expensive camera which I cannot tell you what it is because I am not into fancy cameras, though my out-of-state cousin can tell you because she also has a fancy-dancy camera.

But since he has now upgraded he said I could use his Canon Rebel anytime I want to but like I said, even with his fancier camera he couldn't do any better for whatever reason, so if anyone out there knows what I can do to take better photos of my jewelry, I would appreciate any advice you can give me.

For now, though, I am having a great time making jewelry, although I do also want to get back to my painting.

I want to be able to do both, as well as write (I like to write fiction) and exercise and cook healthy meals and do a better job of decorating my house and become a more spiritually grounded person and bring about world peace and marry Antonio Banderas..

Oh, sorry.

Got carried away.

How about someone just tell my how to take better photos of my jewelry?

Hoping you are making all your dreams come true.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Art Necklace

2010-04-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

Here is the latest necklace I've made:

I bought the pendant at a small gallery. I wish I could give credit to the artist who made it but there was no name. Whoever made it, I loved it and had to have it.

When I bought the pendant it was on a key ring. Many years ago, I used to love buying key ring pendants (if that's what you call them). I would hang them all on my key ring. As you can imagine, after a while my key ring became too heavy to continue carrying all those pendants so I took them off and put them away.

That was sad because I love the art you can get from key pendants and I hated to stop buying them as well as keeping what I did have stuffed in a drawer.

Now that I am making jewelry, I got the idea that I can get all those pendants and make jewelry out of them, whether it be necklaces or bracelets.

Although the pendant is beautiful, I have to say that I love the necklace that I designed myself to go with it.

And look what it just happens to say on the back:

One of my favorite words.

A beautiful word indeed to live by.

'Til later,

"Createfully" yours,

Carol B.

Following Her Dream

2010-04-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

Here is my hurry-up-and-be-my-daughter-in-law, the lovely Janine.

As well as working, she has been in her local community college, making her way through the academic world.

She has tried out a few ideas to see what she wanted to major in, and then she did what it takes so many of us way too long to do; she followed her heart.

Janine has such a love of animals, and she did the perfect thing; she saw what it was that she really had a passion for, and she has decided to become a veterinarian.

I am so happy for her. How many of us wish we had discovered what she discovered at such a young age. I know she has made a choice that will allow her to keep her spirit at peace, through times that are challenging, as well as those that flow with ease.

I wish you all the best, Janine, and you know you have family everywhere that is rallying around to support you.

God Bless you in following your dream.

Love Always,

Carol B.

Blue Necklace

2010-04-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

I wish I could take better pictures of the necklaces I've been making.

One day I will, but not right now.

Meanwhile, here is another necklace and no, I'm not going to make up a story to go with it. I would actually like to but today I subbed for a kinder class, so again, I'm running on empty. That's why I didn't post yesterday but I wanted to make sure to get here today.

I'm thinking about this and it's a bummer because I realize how much I really like writing something I feel is thoughtful and significant.

Oh well.

For today I'm showing you this necklace and always keep in mind that they look much more beautiful in person.

I really want to start up my Etsy shop again and put these in, in which case I will make sure to put up better pictures.

I think I'm rambling so I'll stop right here.

Hope my thoughts are working better next week.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Ocean Breeze

2010-04-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

I am finally learning how to make jewelry, something I have wanted to do for a long time.

I have not as yet taken a class, although I am anxious to. I am simply experimenting by myself, so if you are an expert jewelry artist please look with kind understanding! ;)

I call this "Ocean Breeze," because it reminds me of an evening standing by the ocean, watching as the reflections of the night stars sparkle like diamonds across the sea.

Ok, so it sounds corny, but I am very tired after working all day with a class of first graders. I love them, but by the end of the day I am ready to come home and relax. But I am really trying to get up and continue working, so I will get up right now and walk into my art room.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Color Your World

2010-04-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

Even though I have a teacher subbing gig all week, I am determined to be here anyway!

Let's see if I make it!

So here is a picture of my Baby Girl that I took on her birthday. This was in February but it goes to show that yes, even though I felt like I was not doing anything at all, I really was.

Instead of buying wrapping paper, I got a huge sheet of butcher paper and painted and dripped and squirted and just plain had fun ala Alisa Burke (a fantastic San Diego based artist. I don't have the link here but google her and check her out!)

It was sooo much fun to paint and it added that touch of living artfully by touching unexpected areas of your life with art.

Everybody really liked it and of course it looked better in person than this pic can show. My daughter Dionna said she could frame it and Janine said she could use it as a background for scrapbooking since my daughter likes to scrapbook.

Either way it feels great to make something more personal by touching it with your special form of art.

How do you color your world?

Crashing Through Limitations

2010-04-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

I am Alice, falling down the rabbit hole.

I would have much rather used a pic from the Tim Burton movie which yes, I am now obsessed with. In that movie (which you have to see if you have not) you get a real sense of Alice crashing into one thing and then another as she flies down the hole.

That is what I have been doing for quite a while now. Even though I had not been posting and I have not been doing any kind of "official," "major" work, I have been trying this and that, to get a better sense of crashing through my limitations.

One thing I did was I got an old book that I had picked from an estate sale:

Originally, I tore out a few pages to use in multimedia work. Then I got the idea that it might be fun just to paint in the actual book and leave it as that. Just doodling, painting in whatever way came to my mind, just for the fun of it. And that is what it is; fun. I just doodled with a Sharpie marker whatever came to mind and then watercolored it in.

Here are a few pages:

Nothing planned. Just doodling. Then color it in like when I was young, having fun coloring in coloring books.

And it looks even cooler in person, opening up this old book and finding your paintings in there.

Try it.

No perfection.

Just relax and have a ball!

'Til later,

Wishing you a great weekend,

Carol

"Your Have Regained Your Muchness"

2010-04-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

Last week my out-of-state cousin called and said, "Carol, I just saw Alice in Wonderland and I am compelled to tell you to see it."

I had not planned to see it because I thought I would not like it. It looked weird, as Tim Burton's work usually does.

Now, that is not an insult. I know he is very talented, but his work is just weird for me personally.

I have never seen his other work, but the previews seemed weird for me.

On the other hand, I did see his original Batman and I did like it, especially the dark weirdness, so, come to think of it, what do I know? Maybe I would have loved all his work.

I guess it was seeing the Queen of Hearts with that big head that freaked me out.

Anyway, my cousin told me to see it because she felt the art direction would speak to me in this time when I have been twirling around with various things, trying to find my niche again.

I told her I would consider seeing it but frankly, I didn't think I probably would.

So it was funny how on Easter when my family got together at my parents' house that I mentioned seeing it to my daughter, Dionna, who had already seen it and I asked her if she thought I would be moved by the art direction. I don't know if she quite knew what I meant, but she told me she had loved the designs of Alice's dresses and had liked the movie in general. Then my I-WISH-SHE-WOULD-HURRY-UP-AND-BE-MY-DAUGHTER-IN-LAW Janine said that she wanted to see the movie but my son did not want to see it so my daughter had the idea that, since all three of us would be off from work on Wednesday that we should see it together.

Long story short (too late) we saw it yesterday and

God,

I loved it.

My cousin was right. The art and design totally inspired me, but it was also the story which had to do with "Regaining Your Muchness," meaning, going back to who you are, who you were meant to be, finding your true self and regaining your strength and courage.

When I walked out of the theater I was stunned silent and Janine knew. She knew exactly what I was thinking about, and then all three of us knew that it was about Regaining Our Muchness which, from this point, we all vowed to do.

So, other than being so inspired in so many ways by the movie, I came here to say that the reason I have not been here so much is because I started working again and though I vow to get to my art and writing I don't.

But I so want to be.

I miss being here so much.

And yet I want to be perfect and I want to write the perfect words and put up the perfect pictures and only show my art at it's best and so, as so many times when you want things to be perfect or not at all it ends up being not at all.

At least for me.

And I am tired of it and so I have decided to be here even if what I am working on is not perfect and not great and my words aren't perfect or great or inspirational.

I just want to be here and write and show my work even if it is just dabbling, because I believe that if I just get here and SHOW UP that eventually it will all even out and I will have found where I am supposed to be.

And I am tired of trying to be perfect when I am so not.

I grew up this person with so many issues but you are supposed to put a smile on your face and look like you are altogether. But of course, those of us who do that either end up going wacko or falling apart.

I just want to come here and Be.

Of course, right now it is easy to be here because I am a teacher and I am off for the Easter holiday. But then I tell myself that no, I am not a full time teacher like I used to be, I am a substitute, so I do have more time than I used to way back when. But then I come home tired and I don't feel like doing all those things I so want to do and I blame being at work and then I read other blogs of other artists who work full time jobs and have young kids and then I think, UGH! I so do hate these women (only kidding) for making me look so inadequate when I really have so much more time than they do.

But from this point I will not think yucky things about them. I will look to them as inspiration that if they can do it, I can do it, because I know that is really what all those wonderful I-am-really-in-awe-of-you women would say to me.

So right now I am vowing to be here, even if what I say is not inspirational or the art I show you is just imperfect stuff I am dabbling with.

I just want to be here and share and work out those art muscles so that those who know me can one day look me in the eye say,

"Carol, you have regained your muchness."

So thank you to all, including my Cuz for insisting I see this movie, to my daughter Dionna, who paid for us all to get in, as well as gave us each a stash of peanut M&M's (Yeah!) and to Janine, who treated us all to In-and-Out Burgers after the movie.

Thank you to all the tribe of women surrounding me, who, unbeknownst to me, have always been there, standing in support of me to Regain My Muchness.

Love Always,

Carol B.

Goodbye, Mr. Hernandez

2010-02-11T07:19:00.000-08:00

I tried writing this a few days ago but I could not.

Now I can, so here goes.

A few days ago I lost one of the most influential people in my life.

His name was Mr. Hernandez.

His full name was Hilario Hernandez, but to me he will always be Mr. Hernandez.

He was my art teacher in Jr. High.

Ok. Middle School to you younger folk.

Mr. Hernandez was a great artist and a wonderful art teacher and those of us who were his students could go on and on about how he influenced us in art. But I believe his greatest talent was changing people's lives.

He was always challenging and motivating and opening our eyes.

He would quietly listen to us and respect us at a time when most kids were growing up with the adage that "children should be seen and not heard."

In all other classes, students were bolting out the door at the first sound of the dismissal bell. In Mr. Hernandez's class, when the dismissal bell rang students would gather around him, vying for his attention, hanging on his every word. He would have to chase students out of his class, telling them they would be late for their next class. Nobody cared. They would accept the consequences of being late to their next class, until Mr. Hernandez's next class would come in and push everyone else out.

But the number one thing I remember Mr. Hernandez for was how he personally changed my life.

Growing up I was the most painfully shy and unconfident young girl. I was so quiet and shy that, at the end of a semester, some fellow students confessed they had no idea that all that time I had been in their class.

I had no voice.

I was locked up in my own shell.

Although he never said anything specifically, I could tell Mr. Hernandez could see my condition and made it his personal challenge to get this scared 12 year old girl out of her shell.

He pushed me to speak up, to have an opinion, and to voice it out loud. He would sit in front of me and make me talk to him. Then he'd have others listen to me, until one day I could speak up for myself. I could joke around and be part of the crowd like everyone else, instead of just on the outside looking in.

That was the greatest thing that was every done for me.

It still took a lot of years of breaking out of that shell, but I will never forget that it was Mr. Hernandez that made that first effort to break me out of my self imposed prison.

That happened over 40 years ago.

That long ago and yet still I have carried Mr. Hernandez in my life and my heart as if he has always been physically present in my life. To this day anyone who knows me knows who I am talking about when I talk about Mr. Hernandez.

I had seen him twice since I graduated from Jr. High. The last time was 16 years ago when a group of about 12 of us former students visited him at his home where his wife served us a wonderful lunch and we talked and laughed over old times. Even then he was beginning to suffer some physical challenges but he didn't show it.

I heard over the years that his health was declining and I always wanted to visit him again but I never did. I could rail myself over that, but I won't. I can just say that I was so glad for that last wonderful time I saw him.

This past Sunday I was told that on Friday, February 5, Mr. Hernandez passed away.

I was devastated but my feelings quickly locked up. I tried writing about him, anything I could to get out the anxious feelings that were building up. Nothing worked.

All day yesterday I was a volcano of bottled feelings, wanting to erupt. I desperately wanted to go to the wake, hoping I could get those feelings out. At the same time, I was scared, not wanting to face his death.

Last night I went to his wake and I saw him for the last time.

But it was not a horrible, sad time. There was a slide show going on continually showing Mr. Hernandez in his great moments in life. They showed him older as he looked now in his mid seventies, but they also showed him when he was younger, in his early thirties, how I remember him when he was our teacher. In the sanctuary were many of his huge paintings that he had done over the years. Oh, if you could see his talent.

I talked with his wife and I was so surprised and overcome with joy to find that she remembered me, and that Mr. Hernandez had also remembered and sometimes spoken of me. I felt so honored.

The best thing about going to the wake was that, instead of dwelling on his death, I was able to remember all the wonderful things about his life and how he so positively changed others. I left one calm and grateful woman.

Now, instead of dwelling on the sadness of his death, I can remember the good times, the laughter, and how he so wonderfully changed my life.

And the best thing I can do is to remember what he did for me and carry on and to never lose hope.

So, not really good-bye Mr. Hernandez, but, in spirit, let's sit down again and talk, and let's get on with this business of life, challenging ourselves to be our best and passing on that challenge to others.

And thank you for those of you listening.

Here's hoping you've had a Mr. Hernandez in your life.

Better yet, let's now be that Mr. Hernandez to others.

With Love,

Carol B.

Reconnecting III

2010-01-25T14:02:00.001-08:00

This is my third and last story in my "Reconnecting" series.

This is a picture of Maria.

Maria no longer looks like this. If I am correct, next month she should be turning 38.

This is a picture of her on the very first day I met her.

I had just started dating her uncle (my now ex-husband). I, myself, was 18.

(Oh, my God! Was I ever really 18??)

Maria was two years old. We took Maria and her two brothers to the park where, as you can see, she was enjoying an ice cream on a warm summer afternoon.

Maria and her brothers have a very special place in my heart. I saw them grow from when they were very young until they were becoming young adults. Maria's story includes very many accomplishments which I won't relate here since that is her story and I have not spoken to her in so many years. I will simply say that in her life she worked very very hard and became such an accomplished young woman.

I divorced her uncle sixteen years ago. The last time I had seen her was probably a couple of years before that. Even though I am glad I started a new life, one of the downfalls of divorce is that, as a result, there are so many people from my ex's family who I truly did love but that I no longer get to see.

Anyway, before Christmas time I had not been here at my blog in several months so I did not know if anyone had been visiting. When I finally did come back here, I saw that there were some new "Followers" who were reading my blog. I looked to see who they might be and to my disbelief one of the readers was Maria!

I thought maybe I might be mistaken but I found out it truly was her! Through my daughter, I found her on Facebook and am in the process of trying to connect with her on my side over here.

Although she and her entire family were always very important to me, there is one thing that especially stands out for me where Maria was concerned.

When Maria was little, I used to draw with her. Even though I did not think she knew, I guess somewhere along the way she knew that I loved to paint, and that, in my heart, I always wanted to be an artist.

When she was somewhere between 9 and 11 years old (approximately) she gave me a little piece of paper that she had cut out.

This is it:

I did not know how to enlarge this(although if you click on it you can see it), so I will tell you what it says;

"What would a woman artist miss if she gave up her art?

She gives up her dreams. She gives up struggle, harassment, disappointment...

She gives up the song of the angels...the miracle of being alive."

-Miriam Schapiro

I have kept this little piece of paper in my wallet for what must be around 26 years.

So many of those years were spent running away from my heart, my passion, my love, my art.

But, of course, I could never truly run away.

And every once in a while, when I would tell myself, "who am I kidding?" I would pull this little piece of paper out of my wallet and savor the beauty of these oh, so true words, that a little girl, my niece, once gave me so long ago.

She probably doesn't even remember giving it to me.

I know she would not know that I still have it after all these years.

But if she is truly reading this blog, I hope she will read this, and know how grateful I am to her for having thought of me to give me this. I hope she will know how these words have often saved my life.

I hope she might know this one "small" gesture changed my life.

I hope we might all remember that one "small" gesture on our part just might be the saving grace for someone else's life.

With gratitude, Maria,

Your aunt Always,

Carol B.

Reconnecting II

2010-01-13T06:13:00.000-08:00

Last week I wrote about meeting significant people from my past that suddenly seemed to reappear in my life. A few days after I met up with my Nino, who I previously wrote about, I ran into Linda.

I don't have a picture of Linda, but one of the things I always remember about her was how much she loved Greece, so that is why I posted a picture of Greece.

Many moons ago Linda was my hairdresser. But she was more than my hairdresser. She became a good friend.

I didn't hang out with her or see or any other place than the hair salon, but I call her a good friend because that is what she always was to me.

At the time I met her, I was married to my ex husband. Because my daughter often reads this blog I will be very nice and simply say that my ex was not a very nice person. I had a lot of problems dealing with that marriage and for years I was on a downward spiral into the depths of despair. I did not like myself or my life and I began to believe there was no hope for me.

I started going to Linda and we began what I call our "Oprah" talks, meaning, we would talk about who we were as women, our lives, self esteem, and how it was possible to make our lives better.

Little by little, I began to see a small light, far, far ahead. We talked about our hopes and dreams, and what we had to do and believe to get there.

It was as I sat in that chair, talking to Linda, that my life began to change. It was a long, slow process, so that I didn't really see it happening at the time, but, looking back, I see how far I've come.

In that time, I lost weight (though never enough!) got a divorce, went back to college, got my degrees, became self supporting, raised two children on my own, and became a much stronger, better person.

Wow. I didn't even realize that myself until I wrote that right now!

When I ran into Linda I was just as surprised and happy to see her as I was when I ran into my Nino. We talked for just a short while. One of the things she said was "Carol, you're so much different! You seem so confident and bold!"

She said how there were a few other times she had seen me somewhere and that I seemed to shy away and not say hi. When I think of it, I believe there were a few times I had seen her and did not want to come forward because I was thinking, "what if I say hi and she doesn't remember me? How embarrassing would that be?" I guess I was thinking, "who am I that she would remember me?"

I realize that when I saw her this time, I actually almost hesitated again, but this time as we both looked at each other, I decided to just go up and say "Linda! I'm Carol!" (just to make sure, in case she forgot). She said, "of course I know you, Carol!"

Anyway, I realized it was true. As much as I fight to think positively of myself, I have come a long way from the person who originally sat in that salon chair. I have become a stronger, more confident, as well as accomplished woman.

Back in the day, Linda would often tell me about a movie that came out at that time, back in the 80's. It was called "Shirley Valentine" and it was a movie about a dowdy woman who has given up on ever having a fulfilling life and is in despair. When a friend of hers asks her to join her on a holiday trip to Greece, Shirley drops everything, including her unappreciative husband, and goes. It is there that, for the first time, her life suddenly blossoms and she finds who she really is.

Linda constantly told me to rent that film because it would open up my eyes to the power we had to really change our lives. It was watching that movie that had Linda take that plunge to realize her dream of visiting Greece.

I never did see that movie, but I believe I'll look into finally seeing it.

Meanwhile, I'll think of Linda, who opened my eyes to realize the power we have to change when we believe.

Thank you, Linda, for being my own personal, real life example of Shirley Valentine.

Much love,

Carol B.

Always

2010-01-12T12:25:00.000-08:00

Always finding moments to paint.

Always playing with Color and Design.

Forever learning to Trust my Heart.

Peace.

Carol B.

Reconnecting

2010-01-07T18:10:00.000-08:00

It was the weirdest week and a half.

It started on Sunday, December 27, less than two weeks ago.

It was the beginning of a series of unexpected reconnections with people from my past that I had not seen in forever.

This is a picture of me (!!) when I graduated from high school just a few short years ago.

HA HA!

Ok. So it's been longer than I want to even think about.

The two people I am standing with are my Ninos. That's Spanish for Godparents. My Nino Mike on the left, and my Nina Carmen on the right, were a prominent part of my life.

My Nina Carmen died much too young from cancer in 1992. Shortly after that, my Nino left L.A. to live in Arizona. As a result, I have not seen him much since. The last time I had seen him was very briefly when my grandmother died about six years ago.

Less than two weeks ago on Sunday, December 27, my husband and I were driving around, just enjoying the day. We were passing through East L.A. when I decided I wanted some panitos (dinner rolls) from one of our favorite bakeries, El Gallo.

We entered the small bakery and got in line behind a few other people. I was scanning the shelves, checking out all the pan dulce (Mexican sweet bread) when an older gentleman who was in the group in front of me came up to me and touched my shoulder. I thought he was going to tell me to go on ahead because his group had already ordered, when he looked down intently at me, giving me a slight hug.

I was wondering what this man was doing when I looked up and took a really good look at his face and realized it was my Nino!

I gasped and cried out in surprise, giving him a big hug. It was so unexpected, it had me reeling. I then realized he was with his daughter Nancy, who I had not seen in ages, along with her husband. We all had a great time reconnecting for a short time while we made our transactions. My Nino said he was visiting for a short while and then would be going back to Arizona.

As we said our good-byes he took one more look at me and with a wink said "You're my Christmas present."

And then he was gone.

For the rest of the day, I was floating on clouds remembering the wonderful times I had spent with my Nino.

But I have to tell you, as I later told my husband, the number one thing I always remember about him was how special he always made me feel.

Growing up I was fat and ugly and, as a result, the shyest, most withdrawn person in the world. I was also very critical of myself and could never accept any compliments anyone else might try to give me. And yet, every time I was with my Nino he would smile that charming smile that lit up his eyes and he would tell me how beautiful I was. And, just for the moment, I would believe him. I don't know why, but for some reason, he could make you feel so special that you could believe something you might otherwise never believe.

For an unconfident young girl, it was the most special gift, one that I will always remember.

And that is what is even more unusual about the people I have recently reconnected with. Each person has left a very special mark in my life. I am wondering what this all means. I know it has to do with appreciation and being more grateful. I will enjoy exploring this while I share these moments with you.

Wishing more hugs to my Nino,

and to all of you, Special Moments,

Carol B.

Worth the Trip

2010-01-04T16:19:00.000-08:00

To my Baby,

who is always Worth the Trip.

A Crazy Day

2009-10-30T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've been mad all day.

I don't know why.

Just one of those days when I'm mad at all the world.

I notice that this seems to happen a lot right when I think I'm going to change and be this wonderful person and maybe I've written this positive post the day before and so I guess the bad spirits want to say HA HA HA, WELL, TAKE THIS! BAM!!

Yuk.

And so I stayed mad all day and thought terrible thoughts about everyone just because. And everything was boring and I didn't even eat yet, even though it's late because everything in my house seemed boring.

And my husband is about to come home so I thought I would call him and ask him to pick up some food from one of our favorite places but he doesn't get very good cell reception where he works and so I thought I would probably call him and he wouldn't answer and then I would be madder.

Sure enough, that happened.

And so I got madder.

But just then he called me up because he noticed a call had tried to come through and so I told him what I wanted and he was very happy to oblige me.

And I felt bad, because I had thought bad thoughts about him, too, even though he really didn't deserve it.

And so I went to read some positive writing from somewhere and finally, after having been messed up all day I finally calmed down and I have come to realize something (for the millionth time) and that is, even when life seems to slap you in the face and you think that from now on you are not going to be a nice person and you don't even care anymore, you are going to be just as mean as you want to be, well, guess what? It never really works out. Being at peace in your heart is so much better than carrying the anger.

And guess what again? Just as I was writing this I got a phone call giving me some really good unexpected news, and then I got another call right after that and it was my husband calling to say that he is about to get the food and will be home in just a few minutes so, even though my writing must be pretty bad and rushed right now I have to leave so I can greet my husband at the door with lots of love, gratitude and thankfulness to the lesson learned on this crazy day.

Wishing you a peaceful weekend,

Carol B.

What If?

2009-10-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

What if, for one day, I refuse to focus on all the outside events that I believe wreck havoc with my life?

What if I put aside any thoughts about food and losing weight that otherwise take up so much of my time?

What if I pretend there is no such thing as my past bad relationships? (because guess what? They really do no longer exist).

What if I refuse to focus on any thoughts about lack of money?

What if I choose to believe that my kids really will make all the right decisions and be alright?

What if I believe that I am a good enough artist?

What if I choose to believe that I am already destined to have a great life?

What would I think about then?

Funny how that seems like a very scary door to open,

and how I almost feel safer locked in this room with all my insecurities.

Better to get up, open that door, and see what it's like to step out into a brand new life.

You and Me, Happy As Can Be

2009-10-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

Wow! How long has it been since I wrote here? I don't even want to look to find out.

Sorry it has been so long but I have been going through some major changes. They are good, but it means taking time away from all the time I used to spend on art. Oh well.

Anyway, what I had been doing was working on this painting and I finally finished so I just had to show you! Isn't it beautiful? I do have to say, I was very pleased.

Of course, that is the short version of the story. Originally, I was asked to do this painting and I thought "Oh, no! I can't! I don't know how to!" And all kinds of other dumb stuff.

Actually, Janine, my son's girlfriend, said her mom wanted to commission me to do a painting. I freaked out because I thought, "oh, no, I can't!" Janine, who always very patiently talks me through my insecurities said, "yes, you can, Carol." So then I asked what her mom wanted me to paint and she said "Anything" which freaked me out more.

Isn't it funny how you wish people would want your work and commission you, and then, right when it lands in your lap, you freak out and want to throw the opportunity away?

Well, maybe that doesn't happen to you. Maybe I'm the only weird one.

Anyway, I thought about it and of course I wanted to but was filled with doubt.

Then Janine told me her mom liked waterfalls and she talked about maybe if I had some waterfall and some kids or something.

And then it clicked.

I thought about how Janine and her mom have been together on their own since Janine was young and I pictured her and her mom looking at this waterfall under the moonlight and it being this beautiful whimsical look and how they would be sitting together, hand in hand, under the starlit night.

So I sketched and sketched and then made a large drawing to transfer to a 16x20 canvas.

And then the really hard work began.

It is funny how you have this idea how you want it to look and then realize it is a whole other challenge to transfer that image from your mind to the canvas.

Well, I had so many ups and downs. First I liked it, then I didn't. Then I realized I didn't really know how I was going to paint this or that. Then I got excited about how it was turning out. Then, when I was having problems, I got so discouraged I almost painted over it and said forget it.

It was at these times that I could hear my hero, Tim Gunn from Project Runway saying "Make it work!"

And so I geared myself up telling myself there was no such thing as quitting, but that I would just have to make it work and I did!

When I was finally done I was so excited! I really did love the way it looked and I was so glad I did not quit.

I don't know how the painting is going to look up on this post. It probably doesn't look anywhere as good as in person, but I promise you it really is beautiful and totally my own design.

The end of the story is that Janine's mom really loved it, which was the number one thing I wanted most.

The name of the painting is "You and Me, Happy As Can Be."

A mother and daughter, filled with hopes and dreams, knowing that whatever the future may hold, together they will have all they need.

Faces

2009-09-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

Faces, faces.

I love faces.

This is an unfinished oil portrait I've been working on. Needs more work, but I like the way it's coming out and I love playing with oils.

Of course, now that I am looking at it posted I see all the things that are wrong.

It's funny how you can work on something and look at it from every which way, far away, close up, upside down, or reflected in the mirror. You look for what you need to work on, and just when you think you can't find anything else, you post it or hang it up and suddenly you think "how did I miss that?"

But just the fact that you are able to see something you previously missed means you are improving.

And that's what it's all about.

Wishing you all a good weekend,

Carol B.

Let Your Creativity Flourish

2009-09-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

Creativity.

Creative.

My favorite words.

How necessary is creativity?

I spent too many years running from the creativity I so loved.

Why?

Oh brother.

Too many issues to even get into.

One thing I know.

It is necessary.

It is necessary to live.

It is necessary to breathe.

Don't let anyone tell you it is an irresponsible waste of time.

Even if that anyone is your own inner voice.

Why, even people who are not the most religious people call God the Creator.

So, how important and responsible do you think creativity is?

And how important is it for us to follow our call to creativity?

Whatever form it comes in.

Whether it is painting or drawing or photography or sewing or designing a beautiful garden or cooking a wonderful meal.

Let us no longer run from our heart's calling.

Let your creativity flourish.

Always,

Carol B.

Thanks, Janine!

2009-09-16T19:31:00.000-07:00

Here is the picture from my art journal that I posted the day before.

Only last time, I was having a problem with my scanning in that it was not posting the entire picture, which I felt left out a lot of important images.

BUT THANKS TO JANINE WHO STILL HAS NOT GOTTEN MY SON TO SAY "I DO" AND THEREFORE THAT IS THE REASON I STILL DON'T HAVE GRANDBABIES...

Oh, sorry.

Got carried away.

I was going to say thanks to Janine who is a whiz with scanners and helped me fix my problem so that I could rescan the picture and post it showing the entire image. Thanks to her also for encouraging me to play with the colors. I don't have photoshop. Just the little tools that come on my Mac iphoto, but it was fun playing with the little bit of tools I do have. Maybe one day I'll get into photoshop and find out about all the fun everyone else has digitally playing with their art.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Goodnight, Sleep in Peace

2009-09-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Knew it was coming but still a shock.

Maybe because after his last interview with Barbara Walters several months back I was hoping a miracle might happen and he would live.

Yesterday Patrick Swayze lost his battle with cancer.

I want to say, why does a man like that have to die while idiots like Kanye West continue to run around causing havoc?

Sorry, but I just had to say that.

As it is, the thing with Kanye West had me so furious yesterday the only thing that took me away from the anger was the sadness over Patrick Swayze.

So let's focus back on a real man.

God bless Patrick and his wife and all the rest of his family.

Rest in peace, Patrick.

Carol B.

Images

2009-09-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

Playing with images in my art journal.

Just whatever way the brush turns.

Wondering if there is a message hiding within.

Don't know if there is, but it's fun playing!

Analyzing,

Carol B.

Remember

2009-09-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

Remembering those who died.

Remembering those who fought for our safety.

Remembering those who still fight for our freedom.

God Bless.

Integrity

2009-09-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

Integrity is being true to yourself, to your vision as you know you were created to be.

Making It Personal

2009-09-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

I was going to whine and complain about other things, but first I am going to whine and complain about the fact that I really need to learn how to fix the color in a scan or learn photo shop (even better) because I see this journal page I did looks not that great as a scan when it looks much better in person (honest). (If you click on it, you can see it close up and it looks better).

This morning I was going to post early, only I was feeling really whiney about my life and something told me to wait and I am glad I did.

My main complaint (or at least, on the surface) was that I was going to whine and complain about feeling fat today even though my hubby and I spent yesterday evening pigging out.

"Why me?" I would cry today.

Hmph.

As they say, "why not you?"

But this morning I was feeling the world was out to get me.

Then I saw Obama's speech to the students.

Contrary to some public opinion, it was not about indoctrinating the kids into socialism.

I am not knocking people's opinions on that, I am merely stating that I heard the speech and I can assure you it was not about socialism.

Anyway, the main thing that was said was that, no matter what you are going through in life, your life is your responsibility.

Yes, you can have problems, even very unfair things happening in your life, and things might be harder for you than for others, but, in the end, making your life work is still your responsibility.

That's the message in a nutshell. It is more detailed and specifically focused on students succeeding in school. As a former teacher, I was saying "YES!" because, even though there are many things to fix in the school system, teachers and everyone else could be working really hard to make sure students learn, but if students are not going to bother to do their part, they are not going to learn.

Anyway, putting aside politics and my views on the educational situation, I heard the speech and realized that the message was also relevant to everyone's personal life. At least, it was very relevant to my personal life, especially to what I had been feeling this morning.

The fact is, no one puts that extra food in my mouth except me.

No one puts the majority of those negative thoughts in my head but me.

And if someone does, no one keeps them in my head but me.

If I want to succeed in whatever area in my life I want to succeed, whether it is my health, love, family, self acceptance, and even art, no one is responsible for doing that but me. It could be really hard but that doesn't mean I can't do it.

Now, after this very nice revelation, I might be back to complaining tomorrow, but from now on I want to make it a point to stop taking the easy way out, complaining without taking responsibility.

Yes, sometimes life is hard and we have the right to take some time to heal our hearts, but I am speaking specifically to myself when I say that enough is enough, I have complained too long, and I need to take responsibility and make my life happen the way I want it to happen because we really do have what it takes to make our life be what we want it to be.

So today I'll try to eat healthier, and do some more art and see what else I can do today to make my life better tomorrow.

One day at a time.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Rest In Peace

2009-09-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

It has been more than two months since Michael Jackson died and today they are finally burying him.

At the time when he suddenly passed I, like so many other people, was shocked to hear the news. I was glued to the TV and constantly checking out TMZ to find out what was happening. It seemed like there was no news other than Michael Jackson.

My husband told me, "don't worry. Before you know it, everyone's going to forget and it won't be news anymore."

At the time I thought that comment was absurd. This was such big news it seemed like nothing else would ever matter, at least not for a very long time.

But sure enough, it has been so freakin' long that they have had him on ice that, even though this is the big day, it no longer seems like news.

It really is such a shame that all the scandals and family fighting would have him just lying there.

My husband felt the most for Michael's mother, Katherine. In my husband's first marriage he had a son that was killed in a car accident when he was only 14. A parent's worst nightmare. Knowing all too well what a parent goes through, he was angry at the Jackson family and all their bickering that would put Michael's poor, long suffering mother through this.

"Let the woman just bury her son," he said.

And so now, all the international hoopla aside, a mother can finally bury her son.

Rest in peace.

Carol B.

Happy Birthday, Cuz!

2009-09-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my cousin Karen in Arizona!

Should I tell everyone how OLD you are?

HA HA HA!

Even though I am older than you, I can make fun of you and pretend you are older since this is my blog and I can do anything I want!

But don't worry. Since I'm nice I won't do that.

I would like to thank my Cuz for showing me and my hubby a nice time this past weekend. She and her hubby were out here in L.A. for a few days. We took turns taking each other out and on Saturday she took my hubby and I out to a wonderful place for lunch. She also treated us to see our very first Harry Potter movie and I have to say, it was great. It was the latest movie, the Half-Blood Prince. I know everyone talks about how great these movies are and they are shocked when we say we have never seen one. We have never bothered to go to one, but when she said she would treat us, we said, what the heck! Free? Why not!

So we saw the movie at an Imax theater and we really enjoyed it. Now we want to go and rent all the other previous movies so we can catch up on them.

The funny thing is that we went to this apparently new area that is around the corner from Disneyland called "Garden Walk" in Anaheim. My husband and I spend our weekends trying to find new places to walk around and hang out and we had been going through a dry spell not knowing where to go except to hang out at Barnes and Nobles and Target. My cousin had to come all the way from out of state to show us what we had in our own backyard. She also tells me stuff that is going on in my own family that I don't even know about. She tells me something and I say, "I didn't even know that! How come you are out of state and you know that and I don't?" And then she says, "Do you ever call your mother?" And I say, "Ok. Never mind."

Anyway, I hope you are having a good birthday today, Cuz, and to anyone else out there who might be sharing a birthday today or any other time this month I say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Wishing everyone the Best Always,

Carol B.

A Whole Week

2009-09-01T12:43:00.001-07:00

Has it been a whole week since I last posted?

Oh, brother!

Right when I was doing really good.

I was asking myself "why?" and the only thing I can come up with, once again, is when something happens that gets to my insides I end up hiding out.

This time it wasn't anything really drastic, well, in a way. But I can tell that it was Ted Kennedy passing.

When I was a little girl, I idolized the Kennedys. It was all that idealistic talk of the 60's. I was around when President Kennedy was assassinated. Even though I was very young, it really devastated me. And then Bobby Kennedy was assassinated, and again the devastation. I put all my ideal hopes in Ted Kennedy but after Chapaquidick (I probably I spelled that wrong) everything went down the tubes. At the time, I was still too young to understand what all the scandal meant, so I kept my hopes up for the Kennedy dynasty but when Ted ran for the presidency and lost, it all fell away for me.

Later, when I was older and realized what all those Kennedy scandals meant, I turned my back on them, disgusted.

So when we knew Ted Kennedy was going to die I thought I didn't care, but when they announced the news last week, it really got to me. I felt terrible, and yes, I can now see that is when I stopped blogging.

Sure, we all knew he was going to die and, after he didn't show up at his sister's funeral, it looked like it was about to happen soon, but still it was a shock.

I think it was another Kennedy dying, and how that connected with the deep feelings I had when I was young. So that, despite the fact that I had said I didn't care about the Kennedys anymore, all the feelings came flooding back and there I was, back in 1963 when President Kennedy was assassinated, and 1968 when Bobby was assassinated, and it was all too much.

It's funny how I had no idea I was going to write all this. I was just going to mention it as a little line in passing and talk about other things. The fact that I had this much to say shows that I was hiding my feelings more than I thought, which always proves not to be a good thing.

If I had known this was what I was going to write about I would have put up a picture of the Kennedys. But, as it is, the Blogger system is not working well right now and I could not even put up a default picture. I will be lucky if this whole post doesn't go down the tubes and not publish, like it is warning me in little red letters right now.

Oh well.

So here I am, back again.

I'll catch up on other things later.

'Til then, hoping you are having a great day!

Carol B.

A Giant Leap

2009-08-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

It is through this beautiful door that I have been walking through these past Monday evenings. It is where I take art classes at the Plaza de La Raza in Lincoln Heights.

I am taking classes with Margaret Garcia, a renowned Chicana artist.

The Plaza is a place that offers a multitude of classes in the arts to the community. Everything from the visual arts, to music, dance, theater, you name it. There are so many classes, and all at a low price. It is a great offering of love from so many people who support the desire to keep art alive in the community, especially to children.

I have received brochures from the Plaza for several years. I have been wanting to take art classes but had not gotten around to it. When I saw that Margaret Garcia was teaching, I was astounded, and jumped at the chance.

Let's rewind.

The first time I saw Margaret's name, last fall, I was astounded, craved after the opportunity, then told myself no. "You shouldn't spend the money," etc. etc., anything to deny myself of what I knew would truly nurture me. You know, the self sabotage thing.

The second time I saw her name, last spring, I thought about it again, then denied myself again.

The third time I saw her name, for a class over the summer, I almost told myself no again but then I thought, "hmmm. It starts in July, in fact, the day before my birthday. My family has to give me a present anyway, so why not tell them they could all chip in to pay for the class?"

I told my husband and he said he would give the class as a gift from himself.

So, thanks to my honey I finally signed up.

We have already completed seven classes and our last Monday is next week.

We first did this little practice painting, then a portrait with a live model, and yesterday we completed our second live model portrait.

Here is my second painting, a young woman named Alexandra;

We only worked on it for two sessions so ideally it could use some more work, but I say not bad for a semi-beginning!

The other thing about this class is that we are learning in oils. I have attempted oils very briefly in some classes I took a million years ago. Otherwise I have only used acrylics. It was wonderful to be using oils. It is such a great medium.

I am attempting to cram seven weeks worth of thoughts into one post but I will not so I will stop here.

Just wanted to say what an absolute thrill it was to finally allow myself to take what was for me a giant step in moving in the direction I was meant to go in so very long ago.

Do the same for yourself.

You will be glad you did.

'Til later,

Carol B.

My Daughter

2009-08-21T14:30:00.001-07:00

The other day when I talked about missing my son I WAS GOING TO GIVE EQUAL TIME TO MY DAUGHTER (HA HA!) except that she freaked me out and had me all upset with worry.

She does not live at home so on Monday I had called her for something. I could tell she was out somewhere and she told me that she and her friend Lorraine from work were at the Long Beach Aquarium, which my daughter loves. She then said that she had told her friend that the Aquarium in Monterey (near San Francisco) is even better. At the same time, they both realized that neither of them had to work the next day so they looked at each other and said "ROAD TRIP!"

My daughter said that later that evening they were going to pack some stuff and drive all night from Los Angeles to Monterey, stay the night, go to the Monterey Aquarium the next day, and then drive back to Los Angeles in the evening.

WHAT???

JUST HOW MUCH ANGST CAN A MOTHER TAKE???

I tried to talk her out of it, but when she is determined, forget it, and since she does not live at home I could not lock her door to keep her home (not that she wouldn't go out the window anyway).

So all this time I resisted looking up her facebook or twitter, trying to keep the faith that all was well.

So today is four days later AND SINCE SHE DIDN'T CALL ME I was beginning to wonder, when she suddenly showed up at my house today for an unexpected visit.

WHEW!

All is well, thank you, God!

But she did leave me a picture from when she went to the beach at Monterey, so here is my baby daughter at the beach;

Ok.

Since she's twenty eight years old, she doesn't look like that, either.

But whether my kids like it or not, that is the way I'll always see them, even when they're 93!

In truth, they have grown into two wonderful young adults, both of whom I'm very proud.

And that's all I can really ask for.

Except for when they both get that great job they can then buy me a condo in Maui!

'Til later, hoping you all have a great weekend!

Carol B.

The Kindest Thing

2009-08-20T16:02:00.000-07:00

The kindest thing I can do for myself is paint.

Whether it is on canvas, my art journal, or just playing in my sketchbook, I am happiest when I am painting.

Suddenly I am not hungry, I am not overweight, I am not depressed, I am not anxious, I am not worried, I am not angry, I am not in despair.

All that exists is the paint and the magic that happens when the brush slides over that surface.

There is nothing like it.

It is all I need.

So, before I finish off that pie in the refrigerator, I will go back and paint!

Piece By Piece

2009-08-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

I always do things in extreme.

And I'm always disappointed.

I'll decide to eat healthy, but just one taste of a forbidden cookie will have me throwing out the entire effort and raiding the kitchen.

When I went back to college, I spent the first several years staying in a class only if I believed I was going to get an A. If I thought I was going to get a B, I would drop the class.

My belief in myself has been "live your life perfectly or go back in your hole and hide."

Which is why, in the past year of having this blog I am either running gung ho or I appear to have dropped off the face of the earth.

But I'm trying to look at life in a different way.

Maybe it is not about perfection.

Ok, so I already know you cannot live your life aiming for perfection.

Let me reword this.

Maybe it's not about putting your life in a microwave, pressing the button, and expecting it to be done perfectly, in a flash.

Maybe we could look at living life as if creating a quilt?

You design and cut and arrange and rearrange and put together piece by piece, stitch by stitch. And if it doesn't come out the way you want you can always pull out a few stitches and piece it back together again.

Up until the past two years, I lived my life saying everything I thought I was supposed to say, doing everything I thought I was supposed to do, thinking this was the way I was supposed to live my life until I no longer had any idea what it was to live life as me.

The past two years I have been trying to "be me" but that's a hard thing to do when your goal is perfection or nothing at all.

It seems like every week, no, every day, I have to try again. Arrange, rearrange, piece together, then maybe rearrange again.

But you know what?

I have decided that's ok. I have decided that from now on I will try to look at life as if piecing together a quilt. And if it is a crazy quilt, so be it.

And if I forget about looking at life this way and I find myself once again aiming for perfection, and once again being disappointed, and once again wanting to hide, I will pick up that quilt, pull out some stitches, arrange, rearrange, and piece it back together again.

Sigh.

Who would have thought imperfection would be more hard than perfection?

Who would have thought balance would be more hard than extreme?

But life can be more colorful because of it.

And as an artist, color is good.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Go Manny!

2009-08-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm going to my first Dodger game in ten years!

As excited as I am, it's nothing compared to my hubby. I forgot to ask him when his last game was, but I know it has been longer than me (I went to my last game just before I met him).

You should have seen him when we went to Dodger Stadium to get our tickets this past Saturday. He checked out the map to see where our seats were but then later we went into the stadium (which was empty). The lower levels were blocked off so from the second to the highest level he was leaning over the rail, trying to find out seats. I wish I had had my camera so I could have taken a picture of him, looking like a little boy, counting out the seats in deep concentration, to mark out the view he would soon get at his first ball game.

We have to leave extra early today because he wants to get there right when the gates open, which is two hours before the game. He's hoping if we go early we can watch batting practice. I hope so, too, if we're going that early!

So I'll eat a Dodger Dog and a bag of peanuts for you, and here's hoping our Dodgers win!

Go Manny!

'Til later,

Carol B.

update: Dodgers: 7 Cardinals: 3

Go, Dodgers!

My Baby

2009-08-17T14:57:00.001-07:00

Here's a picture of my baby!

Ok. So he's twenty four years old, so he doesn't exactly look like that anymore.

But he does to me!

Sniff.

Just tell me this;

why is it that when your kids are living in your home you think AREN'T THEY EVER GOING TO LEAVE?

And then, as soon as they're not there anymore you can hardly stand the silence?

My son still lives at home and he's not leaving forever. He's only going to be gone for two weeks.

But still.

No music that you can't understand the lyrics and you don't want to playing.

No leaving the TV on in his room when he's actually spending time in the living room.

No leaving the TV on in the living room when he's actually spending time in his room.

No cigarette butts in the backyard that he says doesn't belong to him but belongs to the cat, a cat we don't have.

Sigh.

I remember when I was a young mother at home and people used to tell me "Enjoy your kids. They grow up so fast!"

And I would think "oh, brother. They're never going to grow up."

And then, poof!

They're all grown.

So if you have young children, remember today to enjoy them.

They do grow up so fast.

My son doesn't read my blog but his girlfriend often does.

So Janine, if you're reading this, tell him I said,

"ERIC, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T CLEAN THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU LEFT??"

Sigh.

Kids.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Just Being Me

2009-08-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

I keep wondering when it is that I will get the message that you don't have to be perfect to have your life matter.

When I will stop saying, "yeah, I like my paintings, but what if someone else doesn't?"

"Yeah, I like my photos, but what if someone else doesn't?"

"Yeah, I like my writing, but what if someone else doesn't?"

Sigh.

I search and search other people's blogs, and the thing I like the most is when someone shows me their true self. That is what I find the most magical.

I look for others to share their true self, and I think what I am actually searching for is the courage to share my true self.

I want the courage just to be me.

How simple is that?

And yet, how hard is that?

So, once again I am saying

"I AM HERE!!"

And you know what?

That makes me very happy.

I truly love being here, in Blogland.

I so miss being here.

I love writing here.

Besides, if I don't write here, then when I finally write to my out-of-state cousin I end up "talking" her ear off with all I have left unsaid. I need to give her a break. So I will write here instead.

So, Hello again, Blogland!

I will be here once again,

just being me.

Love to all,

Carol B.

I Stand Corrected!

2009-05-21T06:21:00.000-07:00

Ok. So after posting what I thought was a really cool post yesterday, I find out my theory was wrong.

I told you about my doll from when I was little and how I thought she was giving the sign for Rock and Roll.

I had almost hesitated to write my theory because I was wondering if maybe she was indeed signing a message that other people would know about. The only problem was I did not know how to go about finding that out.

I had emailed my daughter to read my post because I thought it was pretty funny. Well, she knows some sign language and she called me up and told me that the doll was actually saying "I love you" in sign language.

Bummer! And I thought I was so cool!

At the same time, I was pretty amazed that this doll from so long ago had been made to give a message in sign language. So, on one hand, I guess I was right when I said that I thought the doll was trying to tell me something. Very beautiful, actually.

Another person who told me was Miz Katie, who gently called me on my error. Speaking of Miz Katie (don't you love that name?) you have to go visit her site. She has some great artwork and photography that you just have to see.

So, there you go. I hope I didn't offend anyone who does know sign language. It was the psych major in me that just has to analyze and find a reason for everything.

Finding out that all this time my Doll was trying to tell me something so beautiful really is very comforting.

But I still like my other story better! ;p

So, to all those reading this, "I love you" and "ROCK AND ROLL!"

Carol B.