Following Her Dream

Here is my hurry-up-and-be-my-daughter-in-law, the lovely Janine.

As well as working, she has been in her local community college, making her way through the academic world.

She has tried out a few ideas to see what she wanted to major in, and then she did what it takes so many of us way too long to do; she followed her heart.

Janine has such a love of animals, and she did the perfect thing; she saw what it was that she really had a passion for, and she has decided to become a veterinarian.

I am so happy for her. How many of us wish we had discovered what she discovered at such a young age. I know she has made a choice that will allow her to keep her spirit at peace, through times that are challenging, as well as those that flow with ease.

I wish you all the best, Janine, and you know you have family everywhere that is rallying around to support you.

God Bless you in following your dream.

Love Always,

Carol B.

Blue Necklace

I wish I could take better pictures of the necklaces I've been making.

One day I will, but not right now.

Meanwhile, here is another necklace and no, I'm not going to make up a story to go with it. I would actually like to but today I subbed for a kinder class, so again, I'm running on empty. That's why I didn't post yesterday but I wanted to make sure to get here today.

I'm thinking about this and it's a bummer because I realize how much I really like writing something I feel is thoughtful and significant.

Oh well.

For today I'm showing you this necklace and always keep in mind that they look much more beautiful in person.

I really want to start up my Etsy shop again and put these in, in which case I will make sure to put up better pictures.

I think I'm rambling so I'll stop right here.

Hope my thoughts are working better next week.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Ocean Breeze

I am finally learning how to make jewelry, something I have wanted to do for a long time.

I have not as yet taken a class, although I am anxious to. I am simply experimenting by myself, so if you are an expert jewelry artist please look with kind understanding! ;)

I call this "Ocean Breeze," because it reminds me of an evening standing by the ocean, watching as the reflections of the night stars sparkle like diamonds across the sea.

Ok, so it sounds corny, but I am very tired after working all day with a class of first graders. I love them, but by the end of the day I am ready to come home and relax. But I am really trying to get up and continue working, so I will get up right now and walk into my art room.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Color Your World

Even though I have a teacher subbing gig all week, I am determined to be here anyway!

Let's see if I make it!

So here is a picture of my Baby Girl that I took on her birthday. This was in February but it goes to show that yes, even though I felt like I was not doing anything at all, I really was.

Instead of buying wrapping paper, I got a huge sheet of butcher paper and painted and dripped and squirted and just plain had fun ala Alisa Burke (a fantastic San Diego based artist. I don't have the link here but google her and check her out!)

It was sooo much fun to paint and it added that touch of living artfully by touching unexpected areas of your life with art.

Everybody really liked it and of course it looked better in person than this pic can show. My daughter Dionna said she could frame it and Janine said she could use it as a background for scrapbooking since my daughter likes to scrapbook.

Either way it feels great to make something more personal by touching it with your special form of art.

How do you color your world?

Crashing Through Limitations

I am Alice, falling down the rabbit hole.

I would have much rather used a pic from the Tim Burton movie which yes, I am now obsessed with. In that movie (which you have to see if you have not) you get a real sense of Alice crashing into one thing and then another as she flies down the hole.

That is what I have been doing for quite a while now. Even though I had not been posting and I have not been doing any kind of "official," "major" work, I have been trying this and that, to get a better sense of crashing through my limitations.

One thing I did was I got an old book that I had picked from an estate sale:

Originally, I tore out a few pages to use in multimedia work. Then I got the idea that it might be fun just to paint in the actual book and leave it as that. Just doodling, painting in whatever way came to my mind, just for the fun of it. And that is what it is; fun. I just doodled with a Sharpie marker whatever came to mind and then watercolored it in.

Here are a few pages:

Nothing planned. Just doodling. Then color it in like when I was young, having fun coloring in coloring books.

And it looks even cooler in person, opening up this old book and finding your paintings in there.

Try it.

No perfection.

Just relax and have a ball!

'Til later,

Wishing you a great weekend,

Carol

"Your Have Regained Your Muchness"

Last week my out-of-state cousin called and said, "Carol, I just saw Alice in Wonderland and I am compelled to tell you to see it."

I had not planned to see it because I thought I would not like it. It looked weird, as Tim Burton's work usually does.

Now, that is not an insult. I know he is very talented, but his work is just weird for me personally.

I have never seen his other work, but the previews seemed weird for me.

On the other hand, I did see his original Batman and I did like it, especially the dark weirdness, so, come to think of it, what do I know? Maybe I would have loved all his work.

I guess it was seeing the Queen of Hearts with that big head that freaked me out.

Anyway, my cousin told me to see it because she felt the art direction would speak to me in this time when I have been twirling around with various things, trying to find my niche again.

I told her I would consider seeing it but frankly, I didn't think I probably would.

So it was funny how on Easter when my family got together at my parents' house that I mentioned seeing it to my daughter, Dionna, who had already seen it and I asked her if she thought I would be moved by the art direction. I don't know if she quite knew what I meant, but she told me she had loved the designs of Alice's dresses and had liked the movie in general. Then my I-WISH-SHE-WOULD-HURRY-UP-AND-BE-MY-DAUGHTER-IN-LAW Janine said that she wanted to see the movie but my son did not want to see it so my daughter had the idea that, since all three of us would be off from work on Wednesday that we should see it together.

Long story short (too late) we saw it yesterday and

Oh

My

God,

I loved it.

My cousin was right. The art and design totally inspired me, but it was also the story which had to do with "Regaining Your Muchness," meaning, going back to who you are, who you were meant to be, finding your true self and regaining your strength and courage.

When I walked out of the theater I was stunned silent and Janine knew. She knew exactly what I was thinking about, and then all three of us knew that it was about Regaining Our Muchness which, from this point, we all vowed to do.

So, other than being so inspired in so many ways by the movie, I came here to say that the reason I have not been here so much is because I started working again and though I vow to get to my art and writing I don't.

But I so want to be.

I miss being here so much.

And yet I want to be perfect and I want to write the perfect words and put up the perfect pictures and only show my art at it's best and so, as so many times when you want things to be perfect or not at all it ends up being not at all.

At least for me.

And I am tired of it and so I have decided to be here even if what I am working on is not perfect and not great and my words aren't perfect or great or inspirational.

I just want to be here and write and show my work even if it is just dabbling, because I believe that if I just get here and SHOW UP that eventually it will all even out and I will have found where I am supposed to be.

And I am tired of trying to be perfect when I am so not.

I grew up this person with so many issues but you are supposed to put a smile on your face and look like you are altogether. But of course, those of us who do that either end up going wacko or falling apart.

I just want to come here and Be.

Of course, right now it is easy to be here because I am a teacher and I am off for the Easter holiday. But then I tell myself that no, I am not a full time teacher like I used to be, I am a substitute, so I do have more time than I used to way back when. But then I come home tired and I don't feel like doing all those things I so want to do and I blame being at work and then I read other blogs of other artists who work full time jobs and have young kids and then I think, UGH! I so do hate these women (only kidding) for making me look so inadequate when I really have so much more time than they do.

But from this point I will not think yucky things about them. I will look to them as inspiration that if they can do it, I can do it, because I know that is really what all those wonderful I-am-really-in-awe-of-you women would say to me.

So right now I am vowing to be here, even if what I say is not inspirational or the art I show you is just imperfect stuff I am dabbling with.

I just want to be here and share and work out those art muscles so that those who know me can one day look me in the eye say,

"Carol, you have regained your muchness."

So thank you to all, including my Cuz for insisting I see this movie, to my daughter Dionna, who paid for us all to get in, as well as gave us each a stash of peanut M&M's (Yeah!) and to Janine, who treated us all to In-and-Out Burgers after the movie.

Thank you to all the tribe of women surrounding me, who, unbeknownst to me, have always been there, standing in support of me to Regain My Muchness.

Love Always,

Carol B.

Goodbye, Mr. Hernandez

I tried writing this a few days ago but I could not.

Now I can, so here goes.

A few days ago I lost one of the most influential people in my life.

His name was Mr. Hernandez.

His full name was Hilario Hernandez, but to me he will always be Mr. Hernandez.

He was my art teacher in Jr. High.

Ok. Middle School to you younger folk.

Mr. Hernandez was a great artist and a wonderful art teacher and those of us who were his students could go on and on about how he influenced us in art. But I believe his greatest talent was changing people's lives.

He was always challenging and motivating and opening our eyes.

He would quietly listen to us and respect us at a time when most kids were growing up with the adage that "children should be seen and not heard."

In all other classes, students were bolting out the door at the first sound of the dismissal bell. In Mr. Hernandez's class, when the dismissal bell rang students would gather around him, vying for his attention, hanging on his every word. He would have to chase students out of his class, telling them they would be late for their next class. Nobody cared. They would accept the consequences of being late to their next class, until Mr. Hernandez's next class would come in and push everyone else out.

But the number one thing I remember Mr. Hernandez for was how he personally changed my life.

Growing up I was the most painfully shy and unconfident young girl. I was so quiet and shy that, at the end of a semester, some fellow students confessed they had no idea that all that time I had been in their class.

I had no voice.

I was locked up in my own shell.

Although he never said anything specifically, I could tell Mr. Hernandez could see my condition and made it his personal challenge to get this scared 12 year old girl out of her shell.

He pushed me to speak up, to have an opinion, and to voice it out loud. He would sit in front of me and make me talk to him. Then he'd have others listen to me, until one day I could speak up for myself. I could joke around and be part of the crowd like everyone else, instead of just on the outside looking in.

That was the greatest thing that was every done for me.

It still took a lot of years of breaking out of that shell, but I will never forget that it was Mr. Hernandez that made that first effort to break me out of my self imposed prison.

That happened over 40 years ago.

That long ago and yet still I have carried Mr. Hernandez in my life and my heart as if he has always been physically present in my life. To this day anyone who knows me knows who I am talking about when I talk about Mr. Hernandez.

I had seen him twice since I graduated from Jr. High. The last time was 16 years ago when a group of about 12 of us former students visited him at his home where his wife served us a wonderful lunch and we talked and laughed over old times. Even then he was beginning to suffer some physical challenges but he didn't show it.

I heard over the years that his health was declining and I always wanted to visit him again but I never did. I could rail myself over that, but I won't. I can just say that I was so glad for that last wonderful time I saw him.

This past Sunday I was told that on Friday, February 5, Mr. Hernandez passed away.

I was devastated but my feelings quickly locked up. I tried writing about him, anything I could to get out the anxious feelings that were building up. Nothing worked.

All day yesterday I was a volcano of bottled feelings, wanting to erupt. I desperately wanted to go to the wake, hoping I could get those feelings out. At the same time, I was scared, not wanting to face his death.

Last night I went to his wake and I saw him for the last time.

But it was not a horrible, sad time. There was a slide show going on continually showing Mr. Hernandez in his great moments in life. They showed him older as he looked now in his mid seventies, but they also showed him when he was younger, in his early thirties, how I remember him when he was our teacher. In the sanctuary were many of his huge paintings that he had done over the years. Oh, if you could see his talent.

I talked with his wife and I was so surprised and overcome with joy to find that she remembered me, and that Mr. Hernandez had also remembered and sometimes spoken of me. I felt so honored.

The best thing about going to the wake was that, instead of dwelling on his death, I was able to remember all the wonderful things about his life and how he so positively changed others. I left one calm and grateful woman.

Now, instead of dwelling on the sadness of his death, I can remember the good times, the laughter, and how he so wonderfully changed my life.

And the best thing I can do is to remember what he did for me and carry on and to never lose hope.

So, not really good-bye Mr. Hernandez, but, in spirit, let's sit down again and talk, and let's get on with this business of life, challenging ourselves to be our best and passing on that challenge to others.

And thank you for those of you listening.

Here's hoping you've had a Mr. Hernandez in your life.

Better yet, let's now be that Mr. Hernandez to others.

With Love,

Carol B.