A Letter To My Mom

It is over two and a half months since my mother died.

But I am having a hard time because my feelings are stuck and I can't get that it's real.

So I live in this land where I wander around like maybe there's something wrong but I don't know what.

Yesterday was not a very good day.

So this morning I wrote a letter to my mom, hoping it will help.

I am posting it here.

It is very early in the morning, when it is still dark outside and when things seem ok that might not seem ok later on when it gets light.

But I'm going to put it here anyway, hoping that if I send it out in cyberspace it might make it seem more real than when I sit here with my feelings, all by myself in the dark.

Forgive me if it seems too personal or if what I am saying sounds weird.

I am just trying to get myself to understand.

Mom,

Why did you die?

I don't know what to think.

I couldn't stand seeing you die.

I couldn't stand seeing you suffer.

I know you aren't suffering anymore, but I still see when you were suffering and there was nothing I could do.

At the same time things are bugging me because I can't see that you really died.

I can't see it as having happened at all.

I keep thinking you are just off visiting Aunt Alice and that you haven't come back yet and now it's getting later and later and where are you?

How come you haven't come back?

Dad is lonely and needs you.

But you aren't coming back, are you?

You really honestly died and are buried in the ground and you are not coming back.

And yet, even as I write this I just can't see it as being true, which is why this is such a bug for me because I am stuck in this feeling that you are off visiting your sister and when are you coming back?

But you are not coming back, are you?

Are you really in heaven?

Are you really with God?

Are you really with Jesus?

Is it all really real?

Are you happy being there?

I think I miss you.

My pants aren't hemmed.

I need them for work and my pants aren't hemmed because you aren't here.

You aren't going to be here for Thanksgiving, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Joe's birthday, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Janine's birthday, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Christmas, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Dionna's birthday, are you?

You aren't going to be here for Dad's birthday, are you?

And you aren't going to be here for Mother's Day, are you?

What am I going to do then, if I don't have a mother?

You aren't going to be here for Eric's birthday, are you?

You aren't going to be here when Eric and Janine finally get married and have your great-grandbabies, are you?

And you aren't going to be here for my birthday, are you?

Ever again.

Year after year, you won't be here, ever again.

I miss you.

Love,

Carol