Friday, October 30, 2009

A Crazy Day

I've been mad all day.  
I don't know why.
Just one of those days when I'm mad at all the world.
I notice that this seems to happen a lot right when I think I'm going to change and be this wonderful person and maybe I've written this positive post the day before and so I guess the bad spirits want to say HA HA HA, WELL, TAKE THIS!  BAM!!
And so I stayed mad all day and thought terrible thoughts about everyone just because.  And everything was boring and I didn't even eat yet, even though it's late because everything in my house seemed boring.
And my husband is about to come home so I thought I would call him and ask him to pick up some food from one of our favorite places but he doesn't get very good cell reception where he works and so I thought I would probably call him and he wouldn't answer and then I would be madder.
Sure enough, that happened.
And so I got madder.
But just then he called me up because he noticed a call had tried to come through and so I told him what I wanted and he was very happy to oblige me.
And I felt bad, because I had thought bad thoughts about him, too, even though he really didn't deserve it.
And so I went to read some positive writing from somewhere and finally, after having been messed up all day I finally calmed down and I have come to realize something (for the millionth time) and that is, even when life seems to slap you in the face and you think that from now on you are not going to be a nice person and you don't even care anymore, you are going to be just as mean as you want to be, well, guess what?  It never really works out.  Being at peace in your heart is so much better than carrying the anger.
And guess what again?  Just as I was writing this I got a phone call giving me some really good unexpected news, and then I got another call right after that and it was my husband calling to say that he is about to get the food and will be home in just a few minutes so, even though my writing must be pretty bad and rushed right now I have to leave so I can greet my husband at the door with lots of love, gratitude and thankfulness to the lesson learned on this crazy day.
Wishing you a peaceful weekend,
Carol B.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

What If?

What if, for one day, I refuse to focus on all the outside events that I believe wreck havoc with my life?
What if I put aside any thoughts about food and losing weight that otherwise take up so much of my time?
What if I pretend there is no such thing as my past bad relationships? (because guess what? They really do no longer exist).
What if I refuse to focus on any thoughts about lack of money?
What if I choose to believe that my kids really will make all the right decisions and be alright?
What if I believe that I am a good enough artist?
What if I choose to believe that I am already destined to have a great life?
What would I think about then?
Funny how that seems like a very scary door to open, 
and how I almost feel safer locked in this room with all my insecurities.
Better to get up, open that door, and see what it's like to step out into a brand new life. 

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

You and Me, Happy As Can Be

Wow!  How long has it been since I wrote here?  I don't even want to look to find out.  
Sorry it has been so long but I have been going through some major changes.  They are good, but it means taking time away from all the time I used to spend on art.  Oh well.
Anyway, what I had been doing was working on this painting and I finally finished so I just had to show you!  Isn't it beautiful?  I do have to say, I was very pleased.
Of course, that is the short version of the story.  Originally, I was asked to do this painting and I thought "Oh, no!  I can't!  I don't know how to!"  And all kinds of other dumb stuff.  
Actually, Janine, my son's girlfriend, said her mom wanted to commission me to do a painting. I freaked out because I thought, "oh, no, I can't!"  Janine, who always very patiently talks me through my insecurities said, "yes, you can, Carol."  So then I asked what her mom wanted me to paint and she said "Anything" which freaked me out more.  
Isn't it funny how you wish people would want your work and commission you, and then, right when it lands in your lap, you freak out and want to throw the opportunity away?
Well, maybe that doesn't happen to you.  Maybe I'm the only weird one.
Anyway, I thought about it and of course I wanted to but was filled with doubt.  
Then Janine told me her mom liked waterfalls and she talked about maybe if I had some waterfall and some kids or something.
And then it clicked.
I thought about how Janine and her mom have been together on their own since Janine was young and I pictured her and her mom looking at this waterfall under the moonlight and it being this beautiful whimsical look and how they would be sitting together, hand in hand, under the starlit night.
So I sketched and sketched and then made a large drawing to transfer to a 16x20 canvas.
And then the really hard work began.
It is funny how you have this idea how you want it to look and then realize it is a whole other challenge to transfer that image from your mind to the canvas.
Well, I had so many ups and downs.  First I liked it, then I didn't.  Then I realized I didn't really know how I was going to paint this or that.  Then I got excited about how it was turning out. Then, when I was having problems, I got so discouraged I almost painted over it and said forget it.
It was at these times that I could hear my hero, Tim Gunn from Project Runway saying "Make it work!"
And so I geared myself up telling myself there was no such thing as quitting, but that I would just have to make it work and I did!
When I was finally done I was so excited!  I really did love the way it looked and I was so glad I did not quit.
I don't know how the painting is going to look up on this post.  It probably doesn't look anywhere as good as in person, but I promise you it really is beautiful and totally my own design.  
The end of the story is that Janine's mom really loved it, which was the number one thing I wanted most.
The name of the painting is "You and Me, Happy As Can Be."  
A mother and daughter, filled with hopes and dreams, knowing that whatever the future may hold, together they will have all they need.