Monday, May 18, 2009

Life Goes On

Yowie, zowie.
I can't believe it's been a week and a half since I have been here.
Sorry to all those who might have come here and found nothing.  It's just that this past week and a half has been one of those times when your whole world gets shaken up and throws you for a loop.
I once told my cousin, who reads this blog, that when I am not coming here and writing it is usually because I am going through some stuff and I start to withdraw.  The problem is that when I stuff everything down, I then start to spiral downward until I finally decide to face it and write about it.  Only then can I finally move on.
Not that something really terrible happened, like a family member getting hurt or something. It's just that my whole belief system got pretty rattled.
For the past week and a half I, like many others, have been caught up in an internet art community scandal.  A post in a particular blog that revealed a lot of stuff has already generated almost 1,000 comments.  Yes, you read that right.  Almost 1,000.  I am sure it will surpass that in a day or two.
Even though it was stuff I was already suspecting, it was difficult to finally learn the truth.  If you don't know what I am talking about, I know you might be thinking SO WHAT IS THE SCANDAL??  I know that when I read a post that is vague and does not give the specifics I get really upset because I want the blogger to spill it.  At this moment, I am not going to give the specifics.  Why?  I don't know.  I just don't want this post to be about that, but only about it's effects.
What I am trying to say is that I was really believing in a particular person and what they said about life and even though there were times when that inner voice that keeps you in check told me to think twice, everything was painted so pretty that I would tell that little voice "what do you know?  My whole life has been tough and not very pretty and now I have this pretty corner in my life so unless you can offer me something better, leave me alone!"
Deep down inside, I know I have beliefs that are strong and true but there were times when I felt they let me down and this other world was so pretty so I continued.  So to finally have to face the ugly truth was pretty devastating.  Devastating, but I know in the final count will be good.  Good because after running after a lot of pretty beliefs, yesterday, in a deep funk, I knew where my real solid foundation was all along.  Though having your disillusions revealed hurts, it is a good thing.  Like getting your teeth cleaned.  Is as uncomfortable as heck, but you know it's for your good.
Another thing that might sound funny to those who do not have this problem, but to those who have it you will understand, is that a lot of my life long beliefs in my battle with food issues has also been revealed for what they are.  After years and years of trying every trick in the book to reprogram my beliefs about food and the weight battle that goes with it, it is all finally paying off.  And it is so wonderful, and yet, dismantling those life long beliefs still hurt.  Finally coming to the realization that I am not going to find any real comfort or the answers to life's problems in a bag of M&Ms or Chips Ahoy is wonderful, and yet, at the same time, pretty devastating.  I know that sounds like a joke, but it is not.  I am exhilarated and feel ever so free to be able to embrace this new revelation, and yet, after relying on this belief since I was a little girl, releasing this belief is also very sad.  Nevertheless, I am so happy.  It is really paying off and my life in this area has made leaps of improvement.
The last set of beliefs I had shaken up was in that of motherhood.  Boy, that is the area that can really throw you out the window.   
Now, I know we all go through things.  We all say things we shouldn't have, but I tell you, when your child says something to hurt you, it can really do a job in stabbing you through the heart.  
For once it was not my daughter-who-is-always-mean-to-me.  (hee, hee!  I am saying this because I know she will be reading this) (hi, Baby!).  This is about my son.
Now, again, don't get me wrong.  My son has become a wonderful young man and usually treats me very well.  We have had our issues and I have had my part to play.  I am happy to say that life is usually good with us.  But he has been going through some stuff and last week he took it out on me and said some extremely hurtful things.  Again, I am not pointing a finger.  I am writing about this simply to get this out of my system.  
Anyway, it all hurt like hell and made me very bitter in my questions about being a mom.  I have always tried my best to make sure I was raising my kids to be good people.  When you try that hard, you usually end being told that you are controlling.  And yet, if you try to let go so as not to be controlling, you can be accused of not caring enough to be a better guide.  Either way, you get screwed. 
It is terrible because there are no clear cut rules.  You can read all the books in the world, and yet it is all still a crap shoot.  Yes, I was strict with my kids, but it is because I did not want them to be a bunch of brats.  And they are not.  They have always been complimented about being such respectful, considerate people.  But yes, when you try to guide them carefully, you can also get too careful, and then it backfires on you.  You get somebody yelling at you that "you always do this" and "you always do that."  
But it is hard to know when and where to let go, and how much.  Especially if they are still living with you.  If they don't live with you it is easier.  You don't know their comings and goings so you don't have to feel guilt about whatever choices they are making in their everyday life.  As it is, I have let go of a LOT of my beliefs.  My kids are both adults, so I finally told myself, "no, you are not going to be a terrible mother if your kids choose to do so and so, because they are now adults and it is their life to choose."  Even then, you feel guilty like you are being a bad mom if you don't say anything.  But I guess it is all just life's way of showing you another place where you need to let go.
To anyone who read this far, my apologies if this all sounds like one big complaint.  I just needed to get this all out, and it has actually worked.  After feeling bad for the past week and a half, I am already feeling a lot better.  
And now, after being so stuck, I can finally move on.
Wow.  What a rollercoaster it has been.  It is never fun to have everything in your life rattled, but hopefully it all turns out for the best.
And then to top it all off, last night, here in L.A. we had a pretty yucky earthquake.  Everyone's fine, but it can really rattle your nerves.
As well as rattle your world.
HA HA.  
God must really be laughing at the point He was trying to make.
Yes, Carol, we're going to rattle up your world to wake you up and set you off in a better direction. 
I just wish He would find a gentler way to do it.
By the way, all of you who don't live in the area, please keep us in prayer so we don't have to go through any more earthquakes.
Although it's sure a lot easier than being a mother.
Ok.  No more remarks on motherhood.
It's all good.
Life goes on.
I hope you have a good day, 
and thanks for listening.
'Til later,
Carol B.    

No comments: