Monday, July 19, 2010

Last Week

Last week was a really weird week.
Well, not weird, really.
It's just that it was filled with so many feelings.
Last Wednesday was my birthday and even though everyone made me feel wonderful, it did not feel wonderful to know I was getting older.
At one point, when we were having lunch with my son and his girlfriend, my husband said, "This is great! We'll have to do it again on your next birthday!"
"Yuk!" I said. "I don't want another birthday."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to have any more birthdays. I don't want to get older."
"You have to," he said.
"No I don't," I said.
And then I realized what I was saying.
If I didn't have another birthday and I didn't get any older, that meant I would be dead.
On second thought...
As simple as that was, I realized that, although I am not crazy about getting older in the sense that you look older and your body starts to not work as good as it used to, still, day after day that you are here means that you are still alive, as opposed to being dead.
I am watching "Deadliest Catch," a reality show about the deadliest occupation there is, which is crab fishing. It's a great show, but the main event that people have been watching the past few weeks, and especially last Tuesday and tomorrow night is the death of one of the most popular captains, Phil Harris. It is heartbreaking, but one of the most heartbreaking things to watch was Phil on last Tuesday night's episode. It showed this super tough, gruff fisherman in his hospital bed, weak and disabled, with this look on his face where you can tell that he now knows he is going to die. It is almost a look of panic as he desperately tries to interact with his son, trying to touch him and tell him how much he loves him.
And I realized that yes, Carol, you are getting older, with all that is involved with getting older, but look what it would mean to not get older.
Captain Phil had just turned 53 years old. To a young person that might seem old, but believe me, it is not. It is way too young to die.
I know that we cannot tell when our last day will be. But I will try to no longer bemoan getting older.
I am sure Captain Phil would have given anything to have another birthday.
I had my birthday.
And to tell you the truth, I hope I am blessed with many more.
Carol B.

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