Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Heart's Intent

"Heart's Intent"
Acrylic on paper

My cousin wrote to me about a big change she is going through.
Right when she thought things were headed in the direction she had hoped and planned for, things changed.
Not for the better.
At least, not the way it looks on the outside.
But she said that because there is nothing she can do, she will wait and have faith that it will all work out.
Deeper than that.
As in, really seeking God and waiting for His direction.
I was very torn.
My long spiritual journey has been a roller coaster.
There have been times when things were great.
Not just circumstances. But also the times when things were not so great, and yet I had faith and saw wonderful miracles happen.
And then there have been times when I get sick of waiting, like a beggar waiting for crumbs that never come.
Then I am furious and say "the hell with this!" Why am I trying to be a nice little girl, tap dancing away, hoping I'll finally be good enough for someone to give their approval, when everyone else does whatever they want to do and seemingly get everything they want?
Then I thrash and rage until everything falls apart.
And I have to pick myself up, battered and bruised, take a deep breath, and attempt the road of peace all over again.
Ever since my mother passed, I have been angry and confused and defiant, intending to do things my way.
But I am not at peace.
When my cousin wrote me those words I was torn, wanting to shake her and tell her "Right when you were getting closer to your dreams, you're going to just let them slip away? Why don't you fight? Enough is enough!"
But I know she is right.
She is not letting her dreams slip away.
She is allowing herself to be guided toward the dreams she was meant for along an even better path than she could have ever imagined.
It doesn't look like it right now.
But I can bet, because of her faithfulness, that it is true.
When it is time for me to move in a new direction, little signs start popping up everywhere in perfect harmony.
Those signs have been coming again.
Those signs to brush off the rage and anger, take a deep breath, and start on that path of peace once again.
Thank you, K, for your faithfulness.
Wishing you Peace.
Carol B.


bigK said...

Yeah, it's like that. I have peace for this five minutes. Ask me again when the commercial is over.

Carol B. said...

Hey! I'm trying to be spiritual, dammit!
Don't eff it up! ;D