My Baby

Here's a picture of my baby!

Ok.  So he's twenty four years old, so he doesn't exactly look like that anymore.

But he does to me!

Sniff.

Just tell me this;

why is it that when your kids are living in your home you think AREN'T THEY EVER GOING TO LEAVE?

And then, as soon as they're not there anymore you can hardly stand the silence?

My son still lives at home and he's not leaving forever.  He's only going to be gone for two weeks.

But still.

No music that you can't understand the lyrics and you don't want to playing.

No leaving the TV on in his room when he's actually spending time in the living room.

No leaving the TV on in the living room when he's actually spending time in his room.

No cigarette butts in the backyard that he says doesn't belong to him but belongs to the cat, a cat we don't have.

Sigh.

I remember when I was a young mother at home and people used to tell me "Enjoy your kids. They grow up so fast!"

And I would think "oh, brother.  They're never going to grow up."

And then, poof!

They're all grown.

So if you have young children, remember today to enjoy them.

They do grow up so fast.

My son doesn't read my blog but his girlfriend often does.

So Janine, if you're reading this, tell him I said,

"ERIC, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T CLEAN THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU LEFT??"

Sigh.

Kids.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Just Being Me

I keep wondering when it is that I will get the message that you don't have to be perfect to have your life matter.  

When I will stop saying, "yeah, I like my paintings, but what if someone else doesn't?"

"Yeah, I like my photos, but what if someone else doesn't?"

"Yeah, I like my writing, but what if someone else doesn't?"

Sigh.

I search and search other people's blogs, and the thing I like the most is when someone shows me their true self.  That is what I find the most magical.  

I look for others to share their true self, and I think what I am actually searching for is the courage to share my true self.

I want the courage just to be me.

How simple is that?

And yet, how hard is that?

So, once again I am saying

"I AM HERE!!"

And you know what?

That makes me very happy.  

I truly love being here, in Blogland.

I so miss being here.

I love writing here.

Besides, if I don't write here, then when I finally write to my out-of-state cousin I end up "talking" her ear off with all I have left unsaid.  I need to give her a break.  So I will write here instead.

So, Hello again, Blogland!

I will be here once again,

just being me.

Love to all,

Carol B.

I Stand Corrected!

Ok.  So after posting what I thought was a really cool post yesterday, I find out my theory was wrong. 

I told you about my doll from when I was little and how I thought she was giving the sign for Rock and Roll.

I had almost hesitated to write my theory because I was wondering if maybe she was indeed signing a message that other people would know about.  The only problem was I did not know how to go about finding that out.

I had emailed my daughter to read my post because I thought it was pretty funny.  Well, she knows some sign language and she called me up and told me that the doll was actually saying "I love you" in sign language.

Bummer!  And I thought I was so cool!

At the same time, I was pretty amazed that this doll from so long ago had been made to give a message in sign language.  So, on one hand, I guess I was right when I said that I thought the doll was trying to tell me something.  Very beautiful, actually.

Another person who told me was Miz Katie, who gently called me on my error.  Speaking of Miz Katie (don't you love that name?) you have to go visit her site.  She has some great artwork and photography that you just have to see.  

So, there you go.  I hope I didn't offend anyone who does know sign language.  It was the psych major in me that just has to analyze and find a reason for everything.  

Finding out that all this time my Doll was trying to tell me something so beautiful really is very comforting.

But I still like my other story better!  ;p

So, to all those reading this, "I love you" and "ROCK AND ROLL!"

Carol B.

Rock and Roll!

Ok.

So, like, dude, I am always trying to tell my kids how cool I am.  

But do they believe me?

Noooo.

So, now I've got proof.

I had this doll when I was little.  I don't know how old I was, but my mom tells me Santa Claus gave it to me (yes, that's why I have problems).  I had forgotten all about it when my mom told me a while back that she had recently found this doll way back in her closet and did I want it?  I told her yes.

I had forgotten about it when she gave it to me the other day.  She said it was dirty but she had cleaned it up as best she could.  She even washed her clothes and put some new lace and elastic where it was needed to make the doll look as good as possible.

Did I tell you my mom really is a sweet person?

To bad she doesn't have a computer so she can read this and get all happy.

Anyway, I checked it out and all these memories came flooding back, including a very unusual memory.

I took pictures of the doll but forgive me if they are a little dark or if the eyes shine too much and make it look a bit creepy.  They would have come out better if I could have taken the flash off my camera, but since I am a techie dork I don't know how to take off the flash.  

But here is an overall picture of the doll:

As you can see, it looks pretty old fashioned.  I'm not going to tell you how old I am, but yes, the doll is on the older side.  I was going to say vintage because I thought that would sound cool, but on second thought I think it makes me sound more ancient.

Anyway, here is a picture of the doll waving:

Here is where the weird memories come in.

The thing I always remember about the doll is that the fingers on the hand that is waving were fashioned a bit strange.  At least, I always used to think they were a bit strange.  I remember thinking, why are her fingers like that?  They look kind of weird.  They even sort of bothered me.  I don't know why.  It looked like she was trying to tell me something.

When I was looking at the doll the other day after my mom gave it to me, I was looking at those fingers again.  

And then I saw it.  

She was trying to tell me something!  If you look at this close up picture, you can see that she is giving the youth sign of today that says "Rock and Roll!"

Wow!  Was I freaking out when I saw that!

Ok.  So I googled the sign to make sure and I found that in the real sign, the thumb has to be turned in.  

But, who knows?  

Maybe this was the Real sign.  The Original, For Reals Rock and Roll Sign!  Maybe it was just later distorted by today's youth who does not know any better.  Even my son freaked out when I showed it to him.  He got sorta scared and said, "Why is she doing that?"

Who knows?

Just take a look at this innocent, little face:

It makes you wonder how such an innocent, little doll from way back then could know of such things.  

Maybe she was trying to tell me way back then not to worry, that whatever might happen in this journey called life, that it would be all good, cool, and oh so groovy.

If anything, she is back to tell my kids that whatever they might think of their mother, she does have it going on, and always will.

But even if my kids don't believe it, The Doll knows.

ROCK AND ROLL!

A Wonderful Mother's Day

Hello everyone!

It has been over a week since Mother's Day, but I hope all of you that are Moms had a wonderful day.  

I had written that the day before Mother's Day I was going to a Mother's Day Tea with my mom with the ladies from her church.  That sounds nice enough, but on that day, in order to make it a nice Garden Party type of tea, we were supposed to wear hats and gloves.  If you read my post, you know I was freaking out.  I mean, honestly, I was getting very nervous.  I finally decided that I would go pick out a hat and gloves at my mom's but if I really felt I just couldn't do it then I would have to chicken out.

On Saturday, before the party, I went to my mom's and looked through the hats and gloves.  My mom was so excited but as I went through hat after hat I could not help but think how ridiculous I looked.  In reality, maybe I didn't look that bad, but since I am not used to wearing hats, I felt uncomfortable.  I finally made a deal with my mom.  I would take the hat and gloves, but if no one else was wearing them, then I would not wear them.

Since the house we were going to was close by and we figured there might not be a lot of parking, my father was going to drive us there and drop us off.  It was so cute because my dad wanted to chauffeur his ladies in a proper manner so he ushered us both into the back seat of his beautiful pearl colored cadillac, flipped one of those 1930's "newsboys" caps on his head, and chauffeured us to the party.

When we drove up, there were a lot of ladies walking up to the house but none of them were wearing hats and gloves!  That was good enough for me!  

"Sorry, mom, but I'm leaving the hat and gloves in the car!"

My mom was disappointed because she wanted to wear hers, but she didn't want to be the only one.  I finally saw a couple of ladies wearing hats, so I pointed them out to her and encouraged her to wear hers.  She left the gloves but happily wore her hat.

The party was in a huge, beautiful backyard set up with lots of tables and flowers.  A lot of women showed up.  Only about a third of the women were wearing hats, so I felt ok about not wearing one and my mom felt ok that she was.

My mom introduced me to the ladies who were all very wonderful, gracious women.  There was a lot of good food and we had a great time.  I was trying to take a "myspace" picture of me and my mom, but I still don't do that very well. One of us kept getting cut off, so one of the ladies at our table offered to take our picture.  So here is a picture of me and my lovely mom in her cute little hat:

It was a very nice gathering, and many thanks to all those who worked so hard to present everyone with a wonderful day.

The next day we had a bar-b-q at my mom's house.  We usually do this because going out to a restaurant on Mother's Day is such a hassle.  You have to wait forever, it is horribly crowded, and then they are trying to push you out as fast as they can.  I find we can have a much nicer time if we just relax in the backyard.  My mom does prepare a few things, but the men bar-b-q. It is nice and quiet, with good food and a nice time with the family.

It is also wonderful because I get to see my daughter, who doesn't live with me, and since she otherwise never visits me, I have an excuse for her to see me.

HA HA HA HA!

Ok.  I better not make her mad, cuz then she'll never visit me.  

This is a picture of me and my beautiful baby:

Please ignore the fact that I do not have on my mandatory lipstick (we had already eaten so off it went).  In case you're wondering what my daughter is doing with her hands, no, she is not pointing at me to say I am crazy, she is pointing at the words on her shirt which say "I love you" in Spanish and then she is pointing at me to say "I love you, Mom."

Ahhh!  

I love you, too, Baby!!

It was one of the nicest weekends I had in a long time.

I need to remind myself that, despite any hard times lately, I am, indeed, very blessed.

'Til later,

Carol B.

Life Goes On

Yowie, zowie.

I can't believe it's been a week and a half since I have been here.

Sorry to all those who might have come here and found nothing.  It's just that this past week and a half has been one of those times when your whole world gets shaken up and throws you for a loop.

I once told my cousin, who reads this blog, that when I am not coming here and writing it is usually because I am going through some stuff and I start to withdraw.  The problem is that when I stuff everything down, I then start to spiral downward until I finally decide to face it and write about it.  Only then can I finally move on.

Not that something really terrible happened, like a family member getting hurt or something. It's just that my whole belief system got pretty rattled.

For the past week and a half I, like many others, have been caught up in an internet art community scandal.  A post in a particular blog that revealed a lot of stuff has already generated almost 1,000 comments.  Yes, you read that right.  Almost 1,000.  I am sure it will surpass that in a day or two.

Even though it was stuff I was already suspecting, it was difficult to finally learn the truth.  If you don't know what I am talking about, I know you might be thinking SO WHAT IS THE SCANDAL??  I know that when I read a post that is vague and does not give the specifics I get really upset because I want the blogger to spill it.  At this moment, I am not going to give the specifics.  Why?  I don't know.  I just don't want this post to be about that, but only about it's effects.

What I am trying to say is that I was really believing in a particular person and what they said about life and even though there were times when that inner voice that keeps you in check told me to think twice, everything was painted so pretty that I would tell that little voice "what do you know?  My whole life has been tough and not very pretty and now I have this pretty corner in my life so unless you can offer me something better, leave me alone!"

Deep down inside, I know I have beliefs that are strong and true but there were times when I felt they let me down and this other world was so pretty so I continued.  So to finally have to face the ugly truth was pretty devastating.  Devastating, but I know in the final count will be good.  Good because after running after a lot of pretty beliefs, yesterday, in a deep funk, I knew where my real solid foundation was all along.  Though having your disillusions revealed hurts, it is a good thing.  Like getting your teeth cleaned.  Is as uncomfortable as heck, but you know it's for your good.

Another thing that might sound funny to those who do not have this problem, but to those who have it you will understand, is that a lot of my life long beliefs in my battle with food issues has also been revealed for what they are.  After years and years of trying every trick in the book to reprogram my beliefs about food and the weight battle that goes with it, it is all finally paying off.  And it is so wonderful, and yet, dismantling those life long beliefs still hurt.  Finally coming to the realization that I am not going to find any real comfort or the answers to life's problems in a bag of M&Ms or Chips Ahoy is wonderful, and yet, at the same time, pretty devastating.  I know that sounds like a joke, but it is not.  I am exhilarated and feel ever so free to be able to embrace this new revelation, and yet, after relying on this belief since I was a little girl, releasing this belief is also very sad.  Nevertheless, I am so happy.  It is really paying off and my life in this area has made leaps of improvement.

The last set of beliefs I had shaken up was in that of motherhood.  Boy, that is the area that can really throw you out the window.   

Now, I know we all go through things.  We all say things we shouldn't have, but I tell you, when your child says something to hurt you, it can really do a job in stabbing you through the heart.  

For once it was not my daughter-who-is-always-mean-to-me.  (hee, hee!  I am saying this because I know she will be reading this) (hi, Baby!).  This is about my son.

Now, again, don't get me wrong.  My son has become a wonderful young man and usually treats me very well.  We have had our issues and I have had my part to play.  I am happy to say that life is usually good with us.  But he has been going through some stuff and last week he took it out on me and said some extremely hurtful things.  Again, I am not pointing a finger.  I am writing about this simply to get this out of my system.  

Anyway, it all hurt like hell and made me very bitter in my questions about being a mom.  I have always tried my best to make sure I was raising my kids to be good people.  When you try that hard, you usually end being told that you are controlling.  And yet, if you try to let go so as not to be controlling, you can be accused of not caring enough to be a better guide.  Either way, you get screwed. 

It is terrible because there are no clear cut rules.  You can read all the books in the world, and yet it is all still a crap shoot.  Yes, I was strict with my kids, but it is because I did not want them to be a bunch of brats.  And they are not.  They have always been complimented about being such respectful, considerate people.  But yes, when you try to guide them carefully, you can also get too careful, and then it backfires on you.  You get somebody yelling at you that "you always do this" and "you always do that."  

But it is hard to know when and where to let go, and how much.  Especially if they are still living with you.  If they don't live with you it is easier.  You don't know their comings and goings so you don't have to feel guilt about whatever choices they are making in their everyday life.  As it is, I have let go of a LOT of my beliefs.  My kids are both adults, so I finally told myself, "no, you are not going to be a terrible mother if your kids choose to do so and so, because they are now adults and it is their life to choose."  Even then, you feel guilty like you are being a bad mom if you don't say anything.  But I guess it is all just life's way of showing you another place where you need to let go.

To anyone who read this far, my apologies if this all sounds like one big complaint.  I just needed to get this all out, and it has actually worked.  After feeling bad for the past week and a half, I am already feeling a lot better.  

And now, after being so stuck, I can finally move on.

Wow.  What a rollercoaster it has been.  It is never fun to have everything in your life rattled, but hopefully it all turns out for the best.

And then to top it all off, last night, here in L.A. we had a pretty yucky earthquake.  Everyone's fine, but it can really rattle your nerves.

As well as rattle your world.

HA HA.  

God must really be laughing at the point He was trying to make.

Yes, Carol, we're going to rattle up your world to wake you up and set you off in a better direction. 

I just wish He would find a gentler way to do it.

By the way, all of you who don't live in the area, please keep us in prayer so we don't have to go through any more earthquakes.

Although it's sure a lot easier than being a mother.

HA HA.

Ok.  No more remarks on motherhood.

It's all good.

Life goes on.

I hope you have a good day, 

and thanks for listening.

'Til later,

Carol B.    

Happy Mother's Day!

Wishing all you Moms out there a Happy Mother's Day!  

I hope you have a great day.

I will be reminding my son of the 37 hours of labor I had with him to see if I can get an extra special present (hee hee!)

God Bless you all!

Love,

Carol B.