Thursday, April 8, 2010

"Your Have Regained Your Muchness"

Last week my out-of-state cousin called and said, "Carol, I just saw Alice in Wonderland and I am compelled to tell you to see it."
I had not planned to see it because I thought I would not like it. It looked weird, as Tim Burton's work usually does.
Now, that is not an insult. I know he is very talented, but his work is just weird for me personally.
I have never seen his other work, but the previews seemed weird for me.
On the other hand, I did see his original Batman and I did like it, especially the dark weirdness, so, come to think of it, what do I know? Maybe I would have loved all his work.
I guess it was seeing the Queen of Hearts with that big head that freaked me out.
Anyway, my cousin told me to see it because she felt the art direction would speak to me in this time when I have been twirling around with various things, trying to find my niche again.
I told her I would consider seeing it but frankly, I didn't think I probably would.
So it was funny how on Easter when my family got together at my parents' house that I mentioned seeing it to my daughter, Dionna, who had already seen it and I asked her if she thought I would be moved by the art direction. I don't know if she quite knew what I meant, but she told me she had loved the designs of Alice's dresses and had liked the movie in general. Then my I-WISH-SHE-WOULD-HURRY-UP-AND-BE-MY-DAUGHTER-IN-LAW Janine said that she wanted to see the movie but my son did not want to see it so my daughter had the idea that, since all three of us would be off from work on Wednesday that we should see it together.
Long story short (too late) we saw it yesterday and
I loved it.
My cousin was right. The art and design totally inspired me, but it was also the story which had to do with "Regaining Your Muchness," meaning, going back to who you are, who you were meant to be, finding your true self and regaining your strength and courage.
When I walked out of the theater I was stunned silent and Janine knew. She knew exactly what I was thinking about, and then all three of us knew that it was about Regaining Our Muchness which, from this point, we all vowed to do.
So, other than being so inspired in so many ways by the movie, I came here to say that the reason I have not been here so much is because I started working again and though I vow to get to my art and writing I don't.
But I so want to be.
I miss being here so much.
And yet I want to be perfect and I want to write the perfect words and put up the perfect pictures and only show my art at it's best and so, as so many times when you want things to be perfect or not at all it ends up being not at all.
At least for me.
And I am tired of it and so I have decided to be here even if what I am working on is not perfect and not great and my words aren't perfect or great or inspirational.
I just want to be here and write and show my work even if it is just dabbling, because I believe that if I just get here and SHOW UP that eventually it will all even out and I will have found where I am supposed to be.
And I am tired of trying to be perfect when I am so not.
I grew up this person with so many issues but you are supposed to put a smile on your face and look like you are altogether. But of course, those of us who do that either end up going wacko or falling apart.
I just want to come here and Be.
Of course, right now it is easy to be here because I am a teacher and I am off for the Easter holiday. But then I tell myself that no, I am not a full time teacher like I used to be, I am a substitute, so I do have more time than I used to way back when. But then I come home tired and I don't feel like doing all those things I so want to do and I blame being at work and then I read other blogs of other artists who work full time jobs and have young kids and then I think, UGH! I so do hate these women (only kidding) for making me look so inadequate when I really have so much more time than they do.
But from this point I will not think yucky things about them. I will look to them as inspiration that if they can do it, I can do it, because I know that is really what all those wonderful I-am-really-in-awe-of-you women would say to me.
So right now I am vowing to be here, even if what I say is not inspirational or the art I show you is just imperfect stuff I am dabbling with.
I just want to be here and share and work out those art muscles so that those who know me can one day look me in the eye say,
"Carol, you have regained your muchness."
So thank you to all, including my Cuz for insisting I see this movie, to my daughter Dionna, who paid for us all to get in, as well as gave us each a stash of peanut M&M's (Yeah!) and to Janine, who treated us all to In-and-Out Burgers after the movie.
Thank you to all the tribe of women surrounding me, who, unbeknownst to me, have always been there, standing in support of me to Regain My Muchness.
Love Always,
Carol B.

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