Painting!

It's funny how I want desperately to paint, and yet I find myself dancing around the situation. The difference nowadays is that I make sure that, no matter how much I want to procrastinate, I still make sure to get to it.  

So today, after I did this, that, and that, you know, all those important things, I set up my paints, put on some Joni Mitchell, and started.

Originally, I made a simple sketch of an idea in my notebook. 

This is it:

Then late yesterday I started to put some paint on a canvas.  Today I have just done a bit of work on the woman.  I was going to show you the next picture, but I cannot get the picture to follow these words.  It keeps going up above this post.  

I have tried to do this before, where I want to post pictures in a particular order but they keep scooting up to the top.  By an absolute miracle, I got this sketch to come out in the middle, after my first bit of writing, but I cannot get the second photo to come second.  I will have to wait to show you the photo in my next post, probably Monday, unless I do a quick post tomorrow.

Meanwhile, since EVERYBODY but me knows how to post pictures in a way where you write, then post a picture, then write, then post a picture and it goes in that order, if you are reading this and you know how to do it, PLEASE let me know!  You can either let me know in the comments, or write me at CarolBDesigns@gmail.com.

Thanks!

Have a great Easter weekend!

Carol B.

God Bless Your Dreams

I was going to talk about painting today, but here in the Los Angeles area our hearts our heavy with the tragic news about the death of Angel's pitcher Nick Adenhart.

Last night the 22 year old rookie was the starting pitcher here in Anaheim, playing against the Oakland A's.  Nick pitched a perfect shutout in the first six innings.  After the game he and three other people were driving in Fullerton going through an intersection when they were broadsided by a drunk driver running a red light.  The car Nick was in belonged to a young 20 year old woman who was also killed.  Another man was killed and the fourth person is in very critical condition in the hospital and, from what I hear, fighting for his life.  The person who ran the red light took off on foot but was later caught by the police and is in custody.  It turns out this young man, who is also around 20 years old, has a history of DUI.  Don't even get me started on the issue of drunk drivers and the pain they cause.

As the mother of a 23 year old son, my heart goes out to his parents who live in Maryland. It turns out his father had come over here to watch him pitch last night.

In looking at the positive aspects of this young man's life, I heard that he had just come up from the minors.  He had struggled to pitch as well as he knew he was capable.  The wonderful thing to hear about him was that he was a young man who grew up always wanting to play in the major leagues and had fought to make his dream come true.  As tragic as the end is, at least last night, in his last game, he pitched those perfect six innings.   

It makes me think of wanting to make my dreams come true and how, in my past, in too many areas, I have given up so easily when things got hard. 

What is up with that when I continue to be so blessed with so many chances and so many people cheering me on? 

Those of us who are here today have been blessed with still another chance.

And so now I better get to work.

Carol B.

Make Yourself Smile

This morning I was feeling really blah.  I think because I didn't get enough sleep.  I tried everything to distract myself.  I watched the news, thinking that everything happening outside my own world would get my mind off things.  It didn't.  I ate a breakfast I thought might make me happy.  It didn't.  I listened to some motivational CDs I believed would get me out of my funk.  It didn't.  I did all the "right" things I thought I should do to change my state of mind. 

Nothing worked.  

What to do?

How about making yourself smile?

There are so many things I used to do that made me happy and made me smile that I stopped doing years ago.  Simple things, like listening to music, dancing in my room with the door closed, going outside in the backyard, lounging in a comfortable chair and reading a book.

In the seriousness of trying to get along in life, I gave up so many things.  I don't know why. Maybe it was self deprivation.  Maybe it was plain old despair.  All I know is that I took out so much of the color in my life.  

I had been thinking about it lately.  What does it cost to play a CD?  To pick some flowers and put them in a vase to brighten the room?  To go outside in the backyard and pull up a chair and read a book?

Hmmm.

So while I was putting on my makeup, instead of listening to all the negative thoughts running through my head, I brought out the CD player and put on a CD that I knew would make me laugh and smile and dance. 

And yes, it worked.

What things have you stopped doing that used to make you smile?

Think about it.

Choose one today.

And make yourself smile.

You're worth it.

Enjoy.

Carol B.

Victory

A dear friend of mine recently sent me an email saying she has to do a self portrait for a class project.  She said she "loathed" the idea because she can't stand looking at herself, and that the whole project has her defeated before she has even started.  I wrote her back saying, "as for those feeling you wrote about yourself, I want to slap them out of you, as I want to slap them out of myself."

Of course, I don't really want to  "slap" them out of her or myself.  But the point is that if we have those feelings, we need to really take a look at them and the destruction they cause.  She might not have realized the truth of what she said when she said those feelings had her defeated before she even started.  

Yes, those feelings do defeat us before we even start.  Those feelings of "not being good enough" have stopped me from doing so many things I love because I feel defeated before I have even started.

The truth is, wanting to "improve" the outside of ourselves is all well and good so long as we remember that it is the spirit within us that is our true self and that the spirit within us is already beautiful and whole. It always has been.  

It always will be.

When we remember that, anything truly is possible.  

And we will know we have the victory before we have even started.

Here's to your Victory.

Carol B.

 

The Color Of Healing

Oh, my.

So how many months has it been?

Too many to count.

I had all but given up on myself.  Because of some setbacks I had decided to give up on the true me.

But I was not happy.

You will never be happy when you are not true to you.

I have decided that, what ever road I might follow, whatever job I might have to take on, if I give up my art, I will never be happy.

I have decided to be happy.

I have decided to heal.

I have a piece of writing that was given to me, many moons ago, by a young niece.  When she gave it to me she said, "I know how much you love art.  I saw this and I thought of you."  She gave it to me soooo many years ago, but I always saved it.  Even when I had left art, I saved it.  Once in a while I would come back to it and sigh.  I would put it away, but I could never run away from it's truth.  It says;

"What would a woman artist miss if she gave up her art?  She gives up her dreams.  She gives up struggle, harassment, disappointment...She gives up the song of the angels...the miracle of being alive."    

-Miriam Schapiro

I am no longer willing to give up the miracle of being alive.

And so I am here.

Carol B.

No Regrets

One of the key concepts I am learning in honoring myself is No Regrets.

The first thing I thought was, no regrets?  Are you kidding?  My entire life is filled with regrets.

The second thing I thought was, how can I possibly learn to be a better person if I have no regrets?  For a person who lived on guilt, this seemed impossible.  If you didn't regret something, that meant you wouldn't see it as a wrong move and then you couldn't do better next time, which meant you would keep making the same mistakes over and over.

On the other hand, if I lived on regret, how is it that I did keep making the same mistakes over and over?  

I see now that living in regret means that I keep hashing my mistakes over and over, which makes me miserable which makes me condemn myself which makes me think I will never be able to do better which paralyzes me with fear from thinking of a better solution which makes me keep making the same mistake over and over.

Amazing.

I found that if I do something and I am not pleased with the results I simply tell myself No Regrets.  What is done is done.  I tell myself that this event has simply brought me one step further along my path (which is MUCH better than standing still or going backwards).  If I do not drench the situation in condemnation, I will not be paralyzed in my tracks with the fear of regret.  I can then look at it as a problem to solve, a challenge, like figuring out a puzzle.  This will allow me to consider the various resources I have to resolve this challenge or decide on other paths I could take next time that might lead to a more satisfying result.  

And I can move on.

Which makes me feel wonderful.

Which allows me to see myself as a wise woman.

Which allows me to honor myself.

And we continue.

Carol B.

Yes

I was asked a question; 

What will you say yes to in your life?

I was astounded to find out how hard it was to answer that question.

I realized it was easy to think about what I would say no to in my life.

No to what I think.  No to what I believe.  No to my very existence.  

What did that mean?

Just say it out loud.

It means no to honoring myself.

Not honoring myself means not respecting myself.

Not respecting myself means I can never be happy about anything in my life, even when I finally reach what I think will make me happy.

Because not respecting myself means not truly respecting anyone or anything else around me, which means not being able to enjoy anyone else or anything else around me.

I grew up with the distorted belief that you are supposed to put yourself down and lift others up and that would be a good thing.

It is not.

You can pretend it is, but in the long run, it only brings bitterness and resentment.  Because after a while you will grow tired of it and say, "when is it my turn?"

And you wait for others to give you that honor, but even when they do, it will still not be good enough.  

Because what your spirit is really waiting for is for you to love and honor yourself.

When you do that, all the craziness that runs wild in your head will finally quiet down, and then you can look at others and see them for who they truly are, love them for who they truly are.  

I am just learning.

But I have to let this out.

Just for today, I will honor myself.

Just for today, I will honor my beliefs, my words, and my work.

Just for today I will honor my body, even though it is not as perfect as society says it should be.

Just for today, I will honor my eyes that allow me see, my ears that allow me hear, and my breath that allows me to be alive.

I will stop and honor myself in this present moment, exactly where I am today.

Day One,

to saying Yes

to honoring myself.

Carol B.